ALMOST A YEAR!

Henslee is a year in less then 2 weeks!!! It's crazy to think how fast time flies! She can crawl now and is so cute!! I miss her so much but am so happy she has the GREATEST parents EVER!! I love Jesse and Jaymie more then anything! They have blessed my life in so many ways! I am so grateful for them and couldn't have asked for better parents to raise Henslee!!!

Forever Friends

So I am so in love with this guy and I am so blessed to have met him. I honestly think that it was because of the fact that I placed Henslee that he came into my life. I can't believe that it hasn't even been a year yet and I am in love. I know the Lord played a huge role in putting us together. I couldn't have asked for anything better. He is my better half and I m grateful for the fact that Matt left me. I never thought I would say that either, but life does happen and things change and I am in love with the most amazing man in the world who loves Henslee and is willing to let her be apart of our lives forever! That is a huge sacrifice that he is doing for me. I know it's hard for him to except the fact that I "loved" another man, but he has forgiven me and loves me for who i am. I love him so very much and appreciate all he does for me. I still miss Henslee and love her, but she has her family. It does still hurt, but a different pain. I didn't see her for a whole month and I was still breathing!! That was the longest I have ever gone without seeing her and I am alive to speak about it so I guess I could go longer ;). (Not that I want to though). I hope that everyone knows I was able to heal because of the Lord and because of the fact that I have an amazing couple that helped me every step of the way!! They knew I was in pain and did everything to help me. They are the greatest people ever for always loving me even when i was a pill. ;)!! I love them so much and I love our open adoption. I couldn't have asked for a better couple to adopt Henslee. I love their family and can't wait to always stay connected. :) We are forever friends!


Scrapbooking Photo Tinks by WiddlyTinks.com

benefits!

I am so gratefull for my open adoption!!!! This past week has been amazing!! I drove up to Utah with my boyfriend and one of the nights we stayed in Logan (Nibbley) with Henslee's gradparents! They are the mosdt amazing people ever! It was so fun getting to know their family and learning about Henslee's parents. I feel as if i am part of the family and am so gratful to them for ALL they do for me. I am SOOO spoiled!!! I know that Henslee will always be well taken care of and I know she is loved by SOOO many people. If it wasn't for an open adoption I would never have gotten to see that to the extent that I have. I'll post more pictures soon. She grows daily! I love her so much!

August 11

This blog has helped me clear my head a ton through this process. I think that I will probably write less and less now that my life is moving in a different direction. I honestly can say I never thought this day would come. I thought that I would always have a hurt and a pain for Henslee. That is not true. It's not a hurt and a pain. It's a love that has no ending! She still means the world to me and always will.
I asked to go see her on Thursday because I needed to clear my head. It's weird, but when I'm with her the stresses of life just go away. I can see much clearer looking at her. Because when I look at her I see what life is about. It helps me. I had a hard Friday night because I found out that my best friend got herself into the same situation I was in 16 months ago. She is pregnant. It made my mind go back to all the emotions I felt through the process. It hurt to know that I am going to have to see her suffer and know what it's like and not be able to help in anyway. She seems way stronger then I was though and I know that she will be okay. I was angry that I had to help her at first because I felt that I wasn't strong enough. I then got an overpowering feeling that I was strong enough and that it was my duty to help her through this. I sure hope that I do. She is my best friend.

New pictures

SO HAPPY

It's been a while since I have posted. I have been super busy with a ton of work and stuff. This week has been awesome!! I got to see Henslee TWICE this past week!!! I called her parents on Wed. after work because I really wanted to visit her this weekend and they said of course!!! So I was planning on seeing her on Saturday. Then the next day I get a text randomly saying that they were on my side of town and seeing what I was doing. It was the greatest surprise EVER!!!! I got to see her Thursday! Then on Saturday they had to come down again and I got to see her AGAIN!! I am the luckiest girl EVER!!! Her parents are absolutely amazing and I am so grateful for them!! I seriously am so happy that they are her parents. I couldn't ask for a better adoptive couple!!

On a side note there is somethings that have been bugging me. I have been dating this boy and we are getting serious. He has known about Henslee from day one and when he speaks about her my heart melts. She has never been an issue and never will be an issue, but this past week I have had to deal with his family finding out. It as been hard on me to realize how many lives this has effected and will effect forever. It hurts to see him talk to his family about it because they just can't understand. They talk to him about how he needs to be careful because he is a return missionary and wants to get married in the temple and how dating me he needs to set boundaries and stuff. I am thankful for all that information and I am glad that they care, but then again I also feel like they are saying this stuff again and again because they know I have had issues in the past with the law of chastity. I think i'm probably just taking offense to nothing, but I feel as if because I have had a kid they are being extra hard on us. I wish they could understand some of the pain that I went through. I don't think they understand that I made a mistake just like thousands of others, got pregnant and did what I felt was best for her. I fell like all they see is the fact that I had sex. I don't even know if this is making any sense, but I am hurting because I want them to understand the sacrifice that I have made, not just the choice I made. I don't want to be judged for what I did. I want people to understand that from the choice I made came a beautiful thing and made me SO STRONG!!! I want them to see me for who I am not what I did. People just have a hard time though, and it really sucks because I am madly in love with this guy and these people will most likely become my family in the future. I hope one day they understand the sacrifice I made, not just the mistake.

28 hours!

I GET TO SEE HER IN 28 hours from right now!!!!!! I am the most excited person in the world!!!! She makes me so happy and seeing her makes my life so much brighter and wonderful!!!

LIFE IS HAPPENING AGAIN

I miss Henslee, but am moving on. I feel that as time goes on my sorrow becomes less. My hole gets smaller. Things are happening for me!! I have a ton of amazing options in my life and am so excited to push forward. I have been looking back for so long that it was hard to move forward, but now im ready. I'm never going to let go and move on, but I am going to move forward! I love Henslee and get to see her this Friday because the couple ASKED ME to come see her this week!! I was SOOO happy when they asked if I wanted to come out and see her!! I wanted to so bad, but was scared to ask cuz she's sealed now, but they asked me and all the fears went away. Nothing has changed. They still love me and I love them!!! This is going to be a forever relationship together and I am so grateful for them and I know they wil help Henslee grow in righteousness!!!!!

I LOVE YOU HENSLEE

This past weekend I got really sick so today I took work off to relax and get better. I never take work off. It's been a god morning. Woke up about nine and I'm still sitting in bed :). I have been posting pictures of Henslee on Facebook. I swore I would never do that in case somebody didn't know, but I just wanted to show her off. It's so weird how empty I feel right now. I miss her and looking at her just makes me smile from ear to ear. I love seeing her and watching all the videos I have of her. It really brightens up my day. I can't wait to see her again, but I know I shouldn't get excited for it, because I need to start moving on with my life. I'm at a road block but instead of choosing one way or the other I feel as if i'm walking in circles waiting for the two paths to some how move into one. I know they never will though. My life is a life without Henslee. I need to move forward. I just don't know how. :(. Even though I miss her I still can't believe how happy I am at where she is at in life. I am SO happy she's with her mom and dad! That just brightens my day SOO much!!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

7 months

Today Henslee is 7 months. She is getting so big and time has just flown right out the window. She is in Utah with her family and is just so happy to be up there. I got a picture of her today which I am SOOO grateful for!! Her parents are so good to me and make me feel loved. I'm still scared that things will be different now that it is finalized. They keep telling me that nothing is going to change, but as soon as it was finalized with so many other birth mom's they stopped talking to them, or cut the communication down a ton!!! I hope my couple doesn't. I don't think they will cuz they are amazing, but we'll see.
I am super sick today and couldn't go to work or do anything today. That is a first for me so it's been nice to relax. Last night when I was in bed with lots of pain I just felt like I was in the hospital again with contractions from Henslee. It was so weird. I miss her tons and think about her often, but couldn't be happier with where she is. I look at my life and think it would be so different if I was a mom right now. I just am so happy for the way everything turned out. I love Henslee and will FOREVER!

RANDOM thoughts

Saturday went well.. Everything is final. It is a numb empty feeling that I can't explain. It feels like I can't ever see her again. It's so weird. I know I can but I feel like I have no say on anything anymore. It's what I want so I am happy for everything, but at the same time... I just am numb. I dunno. Life has been good and hard for me. I've been SOO busy and it's hard on me to be so busy. I don't ever really get out anymore and I always have a lot of things to get done. I feel like I never have a minute to think about it or her. So that's a good thing. It hit me really hard last Friday night, but now it's all over and there is nothing I can do about it so I am just moving on. She's gone forever. I am so happy that she has a mom and dad. I miss her daily and love her more then words could ever say!

Some new pictures :)

The court date went well. Everything went fast and was fine. I got to meet a lot more of Henslee's cousins and family. I will get to meet even more on Saturday. I can't wait. But I can wait for the sealing. ;)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a day of happiness and sorrow all in one. Tomorrow Henslee will officially be Henslee L Maughan. It hurts, but is dim because of the joy I feel for her to have a mom and dad. She is so loved and they are so happy. I am so thankful for them to all be together at last. (Even if I am going to hurt). I decided that I am going to go and be at the court date with them. I want to see them happy and her happy. I am very excited, but sad at the same time. It's a happy sad. I love her very much and just wish she knew the love i felt for her. I wish she could love me back like I love her, but she will never because she has another mom who gets all that love. But that is what I want for her. I want her to have that mom that doesn't have to work and will be there for her every step of the way! Her father will always provide and scare away her boyfriends. That is exactly what I wanted for her!! :) I can't wait to see her tomorrow! I love the dress she is going to wear!!! I love her with ALL my heart and soul and hope for the best.

Cry Baby Lindsey

I wish people could understand how I am feeling. It's so annoying having these moments where there is so much pain and then I start to cry. I wish they could understand. I am going through HELL right now LEAVE me alone!! I had a very rough night tonight. I watched the video I made for henslee last night with some friends to show them what I went through and I forgot how real it was and still is. It really opened the wounds for me and ever since I have been just a cry baby. Which I NEVER cry so it's amazing that I go cry. A LOT. I even cried in front of people. NEVER do i do that! NEVER!!! I can't WAIT to see her saturday and am looking forward to it SOOOOOOO much!!!! I am so grateful for my open adoption. I am so grateful that I get to see her as often as I do. I miss her and love her SOOOOOOOOOOO0OOOO much!!!!

Just to see you smile

I went to the temple the other night with friends. I stood in front of it looking at it. Then a picture popped into my mind of Jesse and Jaymie walking out of it with their little girl after her being sealed to them. Their faces were happy and Jaymie had tear lines on her face. It is an image still presented very well in my mind. I started to cry. I couldn't stop the tears. It was like a dream as I watched them hug their family and be all together. It hurt. I couldn't stop the tears. I felt awkward being with my friends so i walked away from them with the tears still pouring down my cheeks. I saw something that is going to be happening very soon. It really hurt me to see how happy they were. I want that happiness too. It's really hard to hear the word Sealed. I just get the biggest pit in my stomach. I miss her so much, but know that she will be happy too. I could see her smiling with her family. I did this for her happiness and that is what she's getting.

Pictures from my birthday Visit!!!

19 days....

Well... Today's been rough. I watched Juno tonight while I was babysitting and it just brought back a lot of emotions. I could feel with her, but more then her because I was i her shoes. It's hard to feel like there is hope for a perfect family when everything else around you is crashing down. Jesse and Jaymie seem to have it together though and I am so grateful Jesse is still there for Jaymie. :) I love them so much and am so grateful for all they do for me. I really couldn't have a better couple to adopt my baby. I remember watching Juno for the first time on an airplane to Hawaii many years ago and being sad, but not thinking much of it. I remember thinking this would never happen to me. YA RIGHT!! Another thing that I couldn't understand is why Juno went over to the adoptive couples house all the time. Like why she would go talk to the adoptive dad, but now as I watched it from a new perspective I understood. It is so hard being alone and when she was wit him/them she would feel needed and loved. I used to be the same way and still do. I want to sometimes call Jesse and Jaymie randomly to talk because I feel like they are family to me. It's the weirdest feeling ever, but just true. I'm not an open person, but with them I sometimes just want to talk and talk and talk like I do with my mom sometimes. It's nice to feel needed and loved. They updated their blog for me tonight and I am very grateful!!!! I love looking at her cute pictures. It makes me so happy to see her and know she's happy.

So this past week my bestest friend and I have kinda been in a fight and basically I didn't want to talk to her for stupid reasons, but one of the main ones was that she forgets about what I am going through. I feel like everyone does. They all think since i'm acting fine and always smile that i'm fine. But I'm not. I mean ya I'm better about the whole thing, but it still hurts... A LOT!! I lost my daughter. I feel like she's dead. The pain is still there and will forever be there and its very frustrating when I feel as if people just forget. I don't like reminding them either because then I feel like I'm asking for pity, which i'm not. I really am fine, just tender. VERY TENDER. Especially this month. Henslee's court date is in 17 days and her sealing in 19. The pain gets a little bit stronger everyday as the date gets closer and closer... I am happy, but VERY SAD and nervous for what I am going to be like. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart. I know she's in a better place, but oh how I miss her with every inch of my heart and soul. She will live with me forever and ever! I never will have a day without the thought of her go through my mind. She is the reason why I wake up in the morning. She is my sunshine!

Birthday

So yesterday was my birthday. I went to California to celebrate it. I enjoyed getting away and having some time with my best friend, but at the same time it was sad. All i wanted was to be with Henslee. I'm glad I wasn't though because I like it when I have space from her, but it was just the weirdest feeling. I miss her and think about her often. I don't cry as much though, and just miss her as a friend misses her friend. I just feel so deeply connected to her though and wished I was with her. I do get to see her on Saturday though and that just makes me so happy!!! I love her with all my heart, but am glad she's with her family. I can't wait to update more pictures of her. I can't wait to see how big she's gotten!! I mean it's only been like two weeks, but when their this small they grow daily!!! I love to see her and am so excited to see her on SATURDAY!!!!

It was funny because my best friend wrote in the sand that she loved her boyfriend like everyone does and since I don't have a boyfriend the only person I absolutely love enough to write their name in the sand would have to be little miss Henslee. So I wrote I <3 H in the sand. She's still my everything even though she's not with me and will always be my everything. :)

BLESSINGS DO COME!

I was saved today!! I was almost in a really really bad car accident, but the Lord literally saved me!!! It was the scariest moment in my life. To make a long story of loosing control of my car and swerving out of control short. My car ended up facing a semi coming at me on the freeway. I had never been more scared in my life. I then got a prompting to turn my wheel to the left and everything would be okay. It was so weird but i reacted fast and my car ended up somewhere off of the freeway. I have no idea how it ended up there but it did. It was the craziest event in my life. I was literally SAVED! They said that you get blessings for placing and I feel as if I used all of those blessings today. It makes me sad that I don't get anymore, but hey my life was saved today so at least I used them on a big gift. :)

TAKEs A sTRONG PERsON

So I just wanted to say that I went to Tiffany's and they are fixing it with no cost. I was way happy about that!!! I also bought another charm for my neckless. It says HLM with the date she was born on it!! SO NOW I HAVE TWO REMINDERS!!! I am so happy!!!

So randomly last night I was talking to this friend of mine (who didn't know I was a birthmom) and he brought up his sister who 3 years ago placed her baby for adoption. She had a hard time with it and decided to start drugs. It made my heart brake for her. She is in a bad place, not because of the adoption, but because she didn't choose to change her habits. I also met another birthmom recently who got pregnant 3 months after placing because she went back into old habits. I just have to say that it takes a strong girl to place and move on after placing. This was a hard thing to do. I hurt and ache, but am happy and able to move on. I loved her so much and wanted to give her the father she never would've gotten with me. I still hurt about the fact of being abandoned. But with everything else in the matter I am doing well. I love seeing her and being with her and I love the way she looks at her mom and dad. She is so happy which makes me the LUCKIEST mom in the world. :)

walking through the rain

Today's been a super hard day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!! I was so happy!! She is so pretty!!! I took some way cute pictures with my phone!! I love her. Her mom then texted me on my way home and said she wanted me to help her pick out her blessing dress with her. She said that she thought it would be cute if both her mom's picked it out. I thought that was so nice of her!!! It made me so happy to know that she wants my help. It makes me feel important and apart of Henslee's life. Because sometimes I forget! I am so happy!!

Today started out okay. Then the talks at church were all about the temple and sealing and stuff. I just kinda make a funny face when I hear the words eternal family, or sealing is important. I know it is and that's why I placed her, it still stings every time I hear those words. I just have to think future tense. When I have my own kids I am going to love the sealing covenant and want it in my life, but as of right now... it's kinda just a blah subject to me.
Going off on a tangent: ON Mother's day my neighbor called me and was just making sure I was having a good day. She lost her son 5 years ago to suicide and misses him a lot. She is probably one of the few people that I can talk to and relate the feelings I have of loosing a child with. I usually talk to her when my parents don't understand. (Which is a ton). My mom lost a brother, her mom and dad, but she still is everything happens for a reason type of person. I think it's because she hasn't lost a child yet. I fell that that is a hard pain to deal with. Anyway my neighbor, Carol, has helped me a lot and has always been there for me. I call her my second mom. So we were talking and she said that she's always thought she could relate a little bit to me because of the fact of her son dying. Then she said, but now I feel I can't relate at all because the thing that kept me going day to day after his passing was that we were sealed and one say I will get to be with him again. She then said that she honestly doesn't know what I am going through because without that the loss of her son would have overtaken her. I started crying and said ya I think of that a lot. The thing that keeps me going is the fact that she will be happy and have more then I could ever give her. A mother, AND A FATHER. It hurts. It really hurts.
I hate it when people think they can relate. or when they tell me that oh you made the right choice, or complement me. I don't want your praise. I don't need your praise. I need hope and prayers. Just say I bet your hurting I'll pray for you, or Wow you must be in a lot of pain there is hope. I know that everyone is trying ad I shouldn't judge. Which I try not to.

Anyways back to why today was hard... :)
I got this beautiful Tiffany's neck-less the night I gave Henslee to Jesse and Jaymie. They gave it to me and it has a H on it for Henslee. I love it with every ounce of my body and have worn it everyday and night. Shower, no shower, Volleyball, running, everything. I occasionally have been taking it off to run because it got really dirty. So I decided for it's protection to take it off when I'm running. So that has been the only time.
Well tonight I was going out with some friends and wanted to look cute. I got this really cute long neckless for my birthday from the people I nanny and wanted to show it off tonight. I put it on and it didn't really go with my H neckless. So I was debating on whether or not to take off my H one. I decided after about 30 min or debating in my head as a finished getting ready that I could take off my H, because I was doing way better with the whole adoption thing and should be able to start slowly letting go and moving on. So i carefully took it off and hung it up on it's rack in my room.
As I let go it slipped through my figures, some how got caught in the electrical outlet in my room, sparked and fell to the ground. When I went to pick it up it was broken. It was cut in half. I was devastated!!! I looked at it and didn't know what to think. Then I started balling. I showed my mom who STUPIDLY said you care too much about name vain things. I screamed at her with all my might. I was so pissed that she said that. It was not because it was from Tiffany's. It was because it was from Jesse and Jaymie and meant that I had Henslee with me at all times. I got my keys and left. I parked at a church for a while and just balled. I thought about even breaking the sabbath to go get it fixed tonight. I feel naked without it. I feel broken and sad. That neckless meant so much to me. I hope that I will be able to fix it. I just had a really hard time with that tonight.
Things happen for a reason. But a reason for this to happen is beyond me. It broke my heart. One day the sun will shine though and I believe that. I just have to walk in the rain and fog for a while.

Birth Mothers Day!

Birth Mothers day was one of the best day's in my life!! I enjoyed every minute of being with Henslee. She always makes me so happy and being with her brightens up my life until the next visit. We took some really cute pictures and keeping those close to me helps me remember who I am. They gave me the cutest little book with pictures of me and her, and her hand print and foot print. They were so good to me!!
Then Mothers day came and it was hard, but okay. I had the strength from the day before to get me through it I prayed a lot and hid my tears, but I cried a lot as well.
There was one point that was really hard when my sisters were taking pictures with their sons and I just thought how I wished Henslee was there to take pictures with me, but I remembered I got my pictures yesterday and that was better. I did ball though. I've had a hard time with this whole process, but I am okay with it all now. But the tears still come, the pain is still there, but I would do it again because it was the best thing for Henslee. I love her with all my heart and it brakes often, but the pain gets spread out over time.
My mom gave me this book for Mothers day that I think I'm going to give to Jaymie. It's really cute about adoption. There was one part in it that I just started to cry so hard. It tells about every side of the adoption and one point is of the child's while inside the birth mom. It said that the baby guides you to their parents, which i believe, then it said that if the baby would talk she would say something like "I know this is hard for you, I know your in pain, and I thank you for it. I know that when I get out you will never know the love I have for you, but I love you and will always be apart of you." When I read that the tears came so much because that is all I have ever wanted. Was for her to love me as much as I love her. It meant the world to me. She means the world to me and even though I'm okay with it all I still have hard days, there just less. I never regret, I just miss. I love her with all my heart!

WORTHY!

Today was the first day in almost 4 years that I partook of the sacrament and bore my testimony!!! Life feels right!! I am so happy and I don't think I would have ever gotten to this point without Henslee. She is my everything and I can't wait to see her again on Birth-mothers day!!!!

:)

WOW last night was the best night of my life. Besides the two radar tickets! I went and saw Henslee and her parents!!! I love them so much!!! We talked about everything and worked every thing out!!! It was the greatest night EVER!!! I love them so much and couldn't be more grateful for them!!! Henslee is in the best place ever! I want her to be happy and I know she is. I love the way her mom holds her and she'll stop crying. I love the way her dad makes her laugh. I love the way she is so chubby and how they look at her. They wanted her more then anything and I am so glad that they are her parents. I miss her SOOOO much but know I did the right thing for henslee. She is loved and that's all that matters.

Feelings of Love

This morning I woke up and well I decided to read my patriarchal blessing. I read it and noticed some things that apply to me right now. "At times you will have burdens that are seemingly too great, if you pray he will hear and answer those prayers." So I hopped out of bed and prayed, again. I prayed to be okay with this all. To get better (because I have strep throat right now), and most of all to be forgiven for the mistakes I've made. I cried a lot, and a lot, and a lot. But then I got on the Maughan's blog and saw a video. I know they love me, and I know I can go to them with anything, but I'm scared. They're busy and they're moving and trying to live their life. I don't want to interrupt. I want it to be their life. But I do want to see her. I love my little girl so much. At group somebody asked what it was like after you placed her. Like did u feel like an aunt, sister, friend, or what. I said that it feels like your the mom still, just a mom that doesn't take care of them. I want to expand on that. I also feel like her guardian angel. Because I am watching her from a distance. I am blessing her life from afar. and if she EVER needed anything I would be right there to give it to her. I am her guardian angel and always will be there for her. I use to sing to her the song guardian angel while she was in my stomach. I wonder if I sang it again, if she would remember.
Time to go to church, I cry a lot at church. I hope I don't cry today.
P.S. I'm scared for mother's day. I have to nanny :(

hum...

Yesterday was hard, today is better.

Last night I had a dream that she got taken away from me again. It sometimes replays in my dreams over and over again. It's sad. I miss her a lot and want to see her, but know i should give her space. and I am super busy with life right now. Maybe if i keep pretending every things okay then one day it will be...

pictures

June 23, 2010

Well today has been a really really hard day!

It started this morning.Like at one in the morning. I was trying to go to bed, and i just could NOT sleep. For some reason I could not sleep!!! So my mind just started thinking. Today exactly 1 year ago is when I found out that I was pregnant. I reflected over that time and realized how hard that day was for me. I'm not going to write about it because I am trying to forget it and I'm hoping that if I don't write about it, it will just disappear. Sometimes I think I should do that with everything. Have it a completely closed adoption, i think that it's just so hard for me.
Well anyway. After I started thinking about things I starting crying, balling. So I got down on my knees and i prayed, I prayed for him to take my pain away. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I was on my knees for a while begging for him to take it away. I don't understand the atonement, but everyone keeps telling me that he can take away my pain. I don't know how, but if he can I sure wish he would. Finally at like two thirty, or three I fell asleep.
That morning I woke up crying again, so i went running. I ran to get the pain away, but the more i ran the more in pain i was physically so i had to stop. Then I showered and the time where i love to cry is the shower. so i did. After that I went to class (didn't focus, and have a test on Monday) and then got my hair done. While I was getting my hair done I got a text from Jaymie, saying that she got her court date. Hum... Oh happy day (sarcastically). What the hell am i supposed to say to that... Oh i'm so glad she gets to be sealed to ur family and not mine. YAY! :(
Something that I should mention about this is that last week when i went to see Henslee I asked if i could see her on the 7th because i had a feeling it would be hard for me because of the year thing. She said that they were going to be outta town.... So I was like well could maybe u send a picture that day or something then. She said yes. The week before that we talked about the court date, and i told them that that was really hard for me because i feel like it's going so fast and i have had no time to breathe really. So I had made it clear that: 7th = hard day, court date = bad. WHY would she said me the court date on the 7th????? WHATEVER!!!! When this happens it feels like I mean nothing to them. They say they love me well then show me by respecting my wishes. OH well, nothing i can do. I know i placed henslee there for a reason. Maybe I should just stop talking to them permanently and move on with my life away from them. From EVERYTHING! I want a fresh start. My heart will never move on though, my heart hurts. I'm so sick of this!!!!!!
The court date is June 23, at 9 am. It's funny how to a whole family this is going to be the best day ever, but to one little girl this is going to be the WORST day of her life. funny how life works.

I did it for her....

My friend who just placed her baby a week ago just texted me and said "Why is this so hard." I wish I knew what words to say to help her. I told her that she is going to be in the lowest of lows for a while and that's okay to hurt. It's normal, but she is the only one that can pull herself out of the pain. Only her... I wish there was more I could do or say to make her feel better, but there is nothing. I want to make her happy again. I almost wanted to tell her not to do it in the hospital, but I can't make that decision for anyone. I told her that we are going to hang out a lot more and I am going to hopefully be there for her through everything!! I feel so bad for her. She just sent me another text saying "I most definitely wouldn't have wanted this any other way. I love him enough to give him the life he deserves regardless of the pain." I think this girl is 16, she placed only 6 days ago and just said that. She is in a better place then me. But I guess the Lord is still holding her hand. The Lord held mine for a while, then I think he thought I was ready to do it on my own and he let go. When he let go is when I crashed into a pit so deep that I don't know how to get out. He want's to see if i can make it i guess. I just want to tell him to carry me again!!! I can't do this!!!! I need him not only to help me, but carry me. Take ALL my load. I feel bad to ask that, but I'm in so much pain it takes so much energy. I hurt. I wish this upon NO ONE!

I also just found out that this little girl I nanny's parents are getting a divorce!!! Why is this happening!?! I just wish divorce wouldn't happen. It breaks my heart for this little girl!

Why does pain happen? I pray everyday that through these hard times the Lord is with those who need him. I see hurt and pain every where I turn. I want to comfort, but I don't know how. Everyone has to do it on there own.

I guess the main reason why I am having such a hard time with this is because Henslee would have been in a good situation. I would have done EVERYTHING to make her life the best possible. I am a GOOD MOM!!! I have wanted to be a mom my WHOLE LIFE! Why did I have to give away my hearts desire! WHY!?!!?! Everyone tells me it wasn't my time. HOw the hell can you say that to someone who spent the last nine months LOVING the child in her. It's not her time!!?!???! SUCK IT!
And how does MATT deny that Henslee is his. She looks identical to him. AAHHHH WHEN DOES IT STOP HURTING?!?!?!?!?

!! LIFE SAVER !!

Last week I was having a really hard week. On Wed. I got asked to go sign a paper for Henslee and when I looked at it it tore my heart open again. The wound that was slowly sealing was ripped open and hurting. I know it's no ones fault for that, but man did it hurt. I cried and cried and cried that night. I called Jaymie because I needed to see her. I haven't asked them for a visit out of the blue until that night. I needed it so bad. I needed to hold her in my arms and know that I did the right thing. I miss her with every inch of my body and it feels like it hurts me more then it does for some other girls that have done this. My non-mormon friends all told me that I would never be able to place her because I am a person who keeps people close to her heart and is a warmhearted person. I told them that even though I didn't want to I was doing it for her not me. I dunno if the other girls are like that, but all i know is that I am hurting and the place I feel is so deep with sorrow it's frightening. I get up and do things day to day because I want to move on, I don't sit and mope in my misery. I get out and do things, but it doesn't stop the hurt. Everyone says time heals, but why can't time speed the heck up!!! Anyways, back to my story... So I called Jaymie and she was SOOOO sweet to me!!! She told me that I was more then welcome to come over and she was so happy that I called!!!! I was so excited to hear that!!! I went right over in the morning. Henslee was all smily and happy to see me!!! It was soooo cute!!! I love her smile!!! She looks JUST LIKE MATT!! It's crazy!!! I held her so tight!!! I love her sOOOOSSOOSOO much!!! words can not even explain how I feel about her! She is my hero and my everything. I sometimes think that maybe I should stop seeing her, but on thursday when I saw her it gave me hope and renewal that I needed so BAD!!! I love her so much and wish she knew me the way i know her.

This song is for Matt

I was listening to my sister's i-pod today and I found this amazing song that is for Matt... I am going to change the name to Matt...

Matt is over and Matt is gone
Matt's decided it's time to move on
Matt has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Matt arrived at the end of the line
Matt's convinced that the problems are mine
Matt is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Matthew?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Matthew
What about you
Matt is sure something wonderful died
Matt decides it's his right to decide
Matt's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Matt
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Matt is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm Still Hurting

why?

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's not a good thing when I think, but I have been.I miss her. I miss her A LOT!! My burden is heavy. My load seems too much to bare. Life is hard and I feel alone. None of my family or friends can even comprehend the hell that I am in and it is lonely at times. I hate the fact that Matt got out of this so easily. not nearly as much pain and hurt that I have. it's hard being alone.
Tonight I went goofy golfing with my boyfriend and I had a lot on my mind and he was kinda giving me a hard time about not playing well. I know it was all out of fun. but i was having a bad night and it hurt worse. Then I saw a mom holding a little baby in her arms. So gently and lovingly. I wanted my baby right then and there. I got mad at my boyfriend and took all my hurt out on him. I felt bad, but I was hurting. I still am hurting. I am in pain. My heart aches. I don't know what to do...
My mom thinks I'm not doing anything to get help. I am fine most of the time it's just every once in a while I get these spells of pain and hurt. I don't know where to turn. I hold it in, but eventually it comes out. I hurt... I miss her... I love her... I want her...
I started to talk to my mom about how I'm mad that Matt is going through any of this and it's just me and how he doesn't even call to check up on me. Or HER!!! How could he not care about her??!?!?! She is my everything and his nothing but yet she's his!!!! It hurts. This feeling of how he doesn't feel the same way about her that I do, but yet she is his just as much as mine. I don't know. I'm hurt. I want my baby. well anyways.. on with my story... MY mom kinda stood up for Matt. She's like well why did he stop talking to you and all this stuff and that pissed me off even more. because then that just shows that its ALL MY FAULT!
THIS WHOLE THING IS MY FAULT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH KNOWING THAT NONE OF THIS PAIN WOULD BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR MY STUPIDITY. is that not being able to forgive yourself? cuz i sure as hell can not let that go... I screwed up and am in HELL because I ruined everything. I always seem to ruin everything...

WHY DID HE TAKE MY DAUGHTER! WHY DID HE TAKE MY HENSLEE...
I'M ANGRY TONIGHT. I'VE HAD A ROUGH FEW DAYS WITH A FRIEND OF MINE AND AM HURTING. I WANT MY BABY BACK. I AM PISSED OFF THAT HER COURT DATE GOT MOVED UP TO APRIL! I'M NOT READY FOR THAT. I'M STILL HURTING. WHERE IS MY HEALER? MY FRIEND? I'M IN PAIN.

New Pictures... I don't have enough :(

3 months

Henslee is now three months.
I thought I was doing really well and everything was going as good as it gets, but then on her three months I went downward... It's been a roller coaster again. I am sad and emotional these past few days and I'm not even PMSing! I was last week, and I was really sad, but not as sad as I have been this week. I can't believe she's growing up so fast. It feels like yesterday when I held her in my arms so tight wishing I didn't have to let go. Hoping that the Lord would send my angel telling me it was just a test and I don't really have to do it. But no angel came. 3 months ago today I left the hospital holding her then when we got to my house I let her go home. MY ONE REGRET... I wish with all my heart I would've kept her for that one night. That ONE night while she was still MINE!!! I regret that so much!!!!
HENSLEE IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH I MISSED AND LOVED YOU!!! IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!!
I decided to watch this DVD I made of her last night to celebrate her 3 months. I think every month I'm going to do that. I wish she was with me! I'm hurting...

I've seen better days

Well........
I get to go see Little Miss Henslee tomorrow and I CAN'T WAIT!!! but i'm way nervous because i'm pmsing and am scared that if Henslee cries again when i hold her i will just start crying. I'm sitting here typing this and crying thinking about it!!!! I want her to know me and know that I LOVE HER more then anything in the world. I wish she would know that. I hope one day she will know that. I love her. I'm scared for the future.

I have been getting so many blessings lately. I know the Lord is mindful of me, but i still have this huge hole in my heart. I wish there was a plug i could put into it.

momma's girl

Henslee cries when i hold her.
She only wants to be in her moms arms
She doesn't remember me.
It hurts... :(
I miss her.
I wish she could remember my voice
I sometimes think that she's so clingy because of me. Like she didn't hear my familiar voice for a while when she went home with Jesse and Jaymie so now she's scared that she is going to be taken away from them. It's all my fault for everything. Oh how I wish she was still in my arms. I wish she would cry to come back to my arms. I know she is not mine. It just hurts....

Life is going well for me and I know that there will be a happier ending for me one day, but right now i'm hurting.

The big ball of pain

Well I've been having better days, but it still sucks, which i hear it does for a while. I don't know how I will ever be able to love again it feels like. I've been hanging out with some guy friends lately, and enjoying every minute of it. They are way sweet and funny. I even sometimes think I like one of them, but then when that thought of liking someone comes into my mind it quickly is erased by my past relationships. I get so scared it makes me sick to my stomach. I have had the worst past relationships anyone could have and to let someone in would take SO much effort on my part. I haven't really let anyone into this piece of me that is slowly dying. I try and hide it so that people won't think I'm a depressed retard. But It hurts! BAD! I'm wasting away by my own loneliness and secrets that I have been keeping from the world. I don't even think my best friend knows everything that I have in me. I keep this ball of pain hidden deep within my heart and don't know how to let anyone into that. This blog is helpful for me to explore the edges of this ball of pain, but to go into it would be scary. Maybe if I ignore it forever it will go away. That's what I'm trying to do.
Well anyways... I don't know how I am ever going to let someone into my world. I refuse to love again. Why have another heart ache? I just can't handle that...