Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The phone call

So last night Matt called me to talk and see how I was doing. I thought that was very nice of him. I asked him how everything was with him and he said that it's fine. Then he tells me that one of my friends was not very nice to him over texting the day before. He said that she said that she didn't like the choices he made and he wasn't being very supportive of me and should try harder. I of course agree with her (Jamie) so I didn't know what to say. I did say that it wasn't her place and i'm sorry he got put in his place by her. I feel bad because I think he's having a hard time with this whole thing and I don't know if he could ever forgive himself. He is such a great guy and it would just kill me if he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. I wanted to then tell him that he is not being supportive, that he has no idea how many nights I lay in bed and cry, that I miss her so much already, or even how hard this is on me. I wish he knew so maybe he would try and be there more. I need a friend right now more then anything and he just doesn't see that because he's not there. I can't really control what he does though so I don't want to MAKE HIM. (Which I feel like i'm doing for everything.) I'm so mixed with feelings right now because I need him or somebody for that matter, but I don't want to make him.
Another thing is that I asked him how people were treating him. He then told me that no one in his ward knows. None of his roomates know. His family is being suppportive (when he talks to them, which is once a week, maybe). This just broke my heart. I'm stuck with EVERY single person I know knowing and he can just brush it off. I'm tryng to be the bigger person and say that its good so he can just move on with his life. But I also want to be the smaller person and say WHAT THE HECK!!!!! This is SO NOT FAIR! Why?! why can't I not "show" and just hide it so no one will see?! WHY ME!??!?!?! It is SOOO not fair! Thinking about it... even if people did know he would probably use a cop out "oh it might not even be mine" like he did with his family. AHHH!
An old friend of that family called my mom today and said how she just cried when then found out. It breaks my heart that all these people who have loved me for so long and cared for me are crying because of my mistake. I want to take it back. I never knew how many people I would effect when this happened. And if I could turn back time I would totally change what happened!

Monday, September 28, 2009


So last night as I lay in bed to fall asleep I kept felling my baby kick me so I put my hand where she was kicking and I felt her foot. It was so weird she pushed so hard I could feel the outline of it. It was so precious it made me cry. Then she kept kneeing me and so I felt like I could almost just grab her led. It was so cute and weird. She's so precious. I miss her so much :(

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Do you ever feel like you know your doing something right, but you just wish it wasn't. I don't like how life sometimes happens like that. I don't want to give up my baby, but I know I have to. I know those first days with her are going to be the hardest days of my life. I act strong, but I know I am no where near strong. I want my baby and I cry every time I think about giving her to someone else. I love the couple though and would never ever take her back, but it still is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. I miss her already and she's not even out of me yet. :(

I use to say that adoption was worse then your baby dying because the baby will never be yours with adoption, but with death you are promised that one day you will be able to raise that little one. I might have to change my mind though, because with death their gone forever. With adoption (open) there just around the corner and living, happily. You get to see them progress and live life. It still is the hardest thing in the world though.

Monday, September 21, 2009


I guess I didn't really start writing in my blog until after I found my family. I must add that before finding a family it was HELL. Your alone, your mad, sad, angry, just seriously every emotion possible is just running through your veins. You don't know what to do and honestly no one can help you. It is a scary hard process that you and only you can go through.
When I first found out I felt way more attached to the birth father then ever before. I wanted to be with him forever and work everything out. We were having a baby! The father had other plans though and so getting over that was the hardest thing to face. I just wanted to get married and keep my little girl forever. I didn't care about my future. I was a mother and that was where I was supposed to be. The birth father told me he wanted the baby to be put up for adoption. When the thought came I wasn't totally against it. I mean its better then abortion, right? Then after a day of thinking about that I was hit with WAIT THIS IS MY BABY! MY BABY! How could I dare give MY BABY to some stranger to raise it.!?!? I was so annoyed that we were thinking about it. I wanted to cut the birth fathers balls off!!! How could he want to give my/our child up for adoption!? Obviously he doesn't love her. He would try and marry me and work things out so that we could keep her if he loved her.
My heart broke everyday of my life as I was dealing with this. The only person that knew was Ami, my best friend. I didn't know what to do. I eventually had to tell my coach because I was missing practices and everyone was getting mad at me. It was hard to tell her. It's hard to tell anyone for that matter. She then proceeded to tell my team about a week later so they would stop being mean to me about missing practices. Then the person I dreading telling the most was going to have to find out.... my mom. We had been getting along a lot better then before and I didn't want her to know what a horrible daughter I had been. So I invited her to the bishops office with me that night for him to tell her because I just couldn't bare it. When he told her my heart sank, the tears came (as much as I was trying to hold them in), I couldn't look at her. I was embarrassed, scared, sad, and lonely. We finally got through it and I was so glad to get it off my chest. I didn't want my dad to know because I thought I might kill him, seriously. So I told her not to tell him yet. Then I went over to Matt's house so I wouldn't feel so alone. While we were watching a movie I got a phone call telling me that my mom told my dad and he wanted me to go home. I was so scared. I told them I wanted to sleep at Matt's and I wasn't coming home. Then my dad called almost in tears begging me to go home. So I did. I was so sad that I hurt them. I seem to always know how to push away the people I love most. I think I should start a bussiness to teach people how to since I'm pro at it.
After my parents found out it did start to get better. Now I could throw up and tell them and let them have pitty on me. Actually that pity didn't come for a long time. My mom felt like she should be mean to me while I was going through this so i could "get what I deserved kinda thing" I took her to the bishop again and made him tell her that I was going through enough and what she needed to do was just be supportive and be there for me. Not be mean to me. So she shapped up after that. THANK GOODNESS! It is so hard going through something like this. It just is HEART BREAKING. I think my heart has no peices left in it to be honest with you all. OH well...
Anyways I started getting sick people started finding out. Church was really hard to go to. Even though people didn't really know, it was the fact that I knew I was dirty and I didn't want to be in such a perfect place. It was really hard to force myself to go (still is for that matter). When the new semester started I was popping out already and my best friend was back at EA so I was all alone and lonely is how it still is. Then I finally decided after going back anf forth and crying my self to sleep at night and all the trips to the temple that I made that my baby was not mine and should be given to someone who could give her more then I could. Like a dad that loved her, and a temple marrrige. I wanted her to be sealed and have an eternal family. I know that the choice I made was right. Is it easy..? HELL NO. Is it right and will the Lord help me? I sure hope so :)


First doctors apt. today with Jaymie! :) I'm so excited! I want her to feel her and play with her. I mean it is her's.
Anyways I found this picture and I thought it was funny because its proof that whenever I hold my nephew he cries. He just doesn't like me. not fair!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

My baby girl

Last night I had a dream I was holding a baby girl. She was so precious, so clean, so pure, and best of all she was mine. Then I passed her along to someone else. Her mother who was going to raise her for me. My heart stopped. My tears flowed. I wanted her to be mine and just mine. Why did I have to hand over my precious girl to someone else. It hurt and it was only a dream. I love the parents I am giving my baby to more then anything, but is that going to stop the pain? Never. They deserve her so much more than I do, but is that going to stop the pain? No. I'm going to miss my princess more then anything in the world, but I know she is going to be in the best place possible. I love her so much already. I can't imagine the love I am going to fill when she comes out into life. I'm so sad I can't keep her, but happy that I feel peace.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Bad Day :(

Why does everything have to go wrong in my life? why? I swear it's one thing after another. I'm just feeling so down today. I meet with the family who I am giving my baby to last night and I was so happy and excited and I told them that they were going to receive my baby. The excitement in there faces was priceless. I am so happy for them, but today has just been a bad day emotionally. It's Friday and like normal I have absolutely nothing to do. So I prayed that someone would ask me to do something tonight. My answer came with a chance to babysit. Wow what an answer to pray. Maybe I should be more pacific to get a better response. I mean I asked for a friend. I need a friend not another job!!! I work to much, my room is so messy because I am never home to organize it! I need a friend and a life! I hate mine. :(

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Boys being boys :(

So I need to let out some steam...
Why in the world do girls have to have the babies?
My answer: Because men are wusses and can't handle the pain!
The get the easy part. They get to go out and do whatever they want while the woman is stuck at home not doing anything because she's pregnant!
Also men are LIARS! They will tell you that they are doing one thing and then BAM you find out their not! Liars!!!
For example: Matt told me that he won't go on any dates with girls for nine months. That he'll be there if I ever need him. So on and so on....LIES!!!
Labor day weekend: He decides to go to Pine top. I of course don't ask who with because he has already told me he doesn't really hang out with anyone anymore and so I stupidly assume family, or maybe some close guy friends, but NOOOO! He's up there with lots of girls!!!!!!!!!
This is just so unfair that I sit at home every weekend because I am 6 months pregnant. AND another thing that pisses me off is that none of his friends know that he is having a kid, so he gets to go do whatever the freak he wants!!!! UH!!!! I'm so annoyed right now!!!!!
I have never felt more used in my life!
It still is a sharp knife whenever I think of the words he used to tell me goodbye...
I don't love you, It was all just for fun... blah blah blah! UH!!! I'm so mad right now!!!
OH and P.S. That man has never been here for me through this whole thing. I try and call him when I need a friend and he's always doing something else!

Friday, September 4, 2009

My week

WOW!! I have been going crazy this week. First of all I was staying with three little boogers from Friday until late Sunday night when their parents came home. Then on Monday I stayed with this boy while his parents were out of town! THIS BOY DROVE ME MAD!! I love him to pieces, but am so glad I am done with that!!!! Now I'm finally home and relaxing, for the time being, because soon I will have to start my huge pile of homework! I really don't want to, but oh well.