So last night Matt called me to talk and see how I was doing. I thought that was very nice of him. I asked him how everything was with him and he said that it's fine. Then he tells me that one of my friends was not very nice to him over texting the day before. He said that she said that she didn't like the choices he made and he wasn't being very supportive of me and should try harder. I of course agree with her (Jamie) so I didn't know what to say. I did say that it wasn't her place and i'm sorry he got put in his place by her. I feel bad because I think he's having a hard time with this whole thing and I don't know if he could ever forgive himself. He is such a great guy and it would just kill me if he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. I wanted to then tell him that he is not being supportive, that he has no idea how many nights I lay in bed and cry, that I miss her so much already, or even how hard this is on me. I wish he knew so maybe he would try and be there more. I need a friend right now more then anything and he just doesn't see that because he's not there. I can't really control what he does though so I don't want to MAKE HIM. (Which I feel like i'm doing for everything.) I'm so mixed with feelings right now because I need him or somebody for that matter, but I don't want to make him.
Another thing is that I asked him how people were treating him. He then told me that no one in his ward knows. None of his roomates know. His family is being suppportive (when he talks to them, which is once a week, maybe). This just broke my heart. I'm stuck with EVERY single person I know knowing and he can just brush it off. I'm tryng to be the bigger person and say that its good so he can just move on with his life. But I also want to be the smaller person and say WHAT THE HECK!!!!! This is SO NOT FAIR! Why?! why can't I not "show" and just hide it so no one will see?! WHY ME!??!?!?! It is SOOO not fair! Thinking about it... even if people did know he would probably use a cop out "oh it might not even be mine" like he did with his family. AHHH!
An old friend of that family called my mom today and said how she just cried when then found out. It breaks my heart that all these people who have loved me for so long and cared for me are crying because of my mistake. I want to take it back. I never knew how many people I would effect when this happened. And if I could turn back time I would totally change what happened!
5 months ago