MY STORY

I guess I didn't really start writing in my blog until after I found my family. I must add that before finding a family it was HELL. Your alone, your mad, sad, angry, just seriously every emotion possible is just running through your veins. You don't know what to do and honestly no one can help you. It is a scary hard process that you and only you can go through.
When I first found out I felt way more attached to the birth father then ever before. I wanted to be with him forever and work everything out. We were having a baby! The father had other plans though and so getting over that was the hardest thing to face. I just wanted to get married and keep my little girl forever. I didn't care about my future. I was a mother and that was where I was supposed to be. The birth father told me he wanted the baby to be put up for adoption. When the thought came I wasn't totally against it. I mean its better then abortion, right? Then after a day of thinking about that I was hit with WAIT THIS IS MY BABY! MY BABY! How could I dare give MY BABY to some stranger to raise it.!?!? I was so annoyed that we were thinking about it. I wanted to cut the birth fathers balls off!!! How could he want to give my/our child up for adoption!? Obviously he doesn't love her. He would try and marry me and work things out so that we could keep her if he loved her.
My heart broke everyday of my life as I was dealing with this. The only person that knew was Ami, my best friend. I didn't know what to do. I eventually had to tell my coach because I was missing practices and everyone was getting mad at me. It was hard to tell her. It's hard to tell anyone for that matter. She then proceeded to tell my team about a week later so they would stop being mean to me about missing practices. Then the person I dreading telling the most was going to have to find out.... my mom. We had been getting along a lot better then before and I didn't want her to know what a horrible daughter I had been. So I invited her to the bishops office with me that night for him to tell her because I just couldn't bare it. When he told her my heart sank, the tears came (as much as I was trying to hold them in), I couldn't look at her. I was embarrassed, scared, sad, and lonely. We finally got through it and I was so glad to get it off my chest. I didn't want my dad to know because I thought I might kill him, seriously. So I told her not to tell him yet. Then I went over to Matt's house so I wouldn't feel so alone. While we were watching a movie I got a phone call telling me that my mom told my dad and he wanted me to go home. I was so scared. I told them I wanted to sleep at Matt's and I wasn't coming home. Then my dad called almost in tears begging me to go home. So I did. I was so sad that I hurt them. I seem to always know how to push away the people I love most. I think I should start a bussiness to teach people how to since I'm pro at it.
After my parents found out it did start to get better. Now I could throw up and tell them and let them have pitty on me. Actually that pity didn't come for a long time. My mom felt like she should be mean to me while I was going through this so i could "get what I deserved kinda thing" I took her to the bishop again and made him tell her that I was going through enough and what she needed to do was just be supportive and be there for me. Not be mean to me. So she shapped up after that. THANK GOODNESS! It is so hard going through something like this. It just is HEART BREAKING. I think my heart has no peices left in it to be honest with you all. OH well...
Anyways I started getting sick people started finding out. Church was really hard to go to. Even though people didn't really know, it was the fact that I knew I was dirty and I didn't want to be in such a perfect place. It was really hard to force myself to go (still is for that matter). When the new semester started I was popping out already and my best friend was back at EA so I was all alone and lonely is how it still is. Then I finally decided after going back anf forth and crying my self to sleep at night and all the trips to the temple that I made that my baby was not mine and should be given to someone who could give her more then I could. Like a dad that loved her, and a temple marrrige. I wanted her to be sealed and have an eternal family. I know that the choice I made was right. Is it easy..? HELL NO. Is it right and will the Lord help me? I sure hope so :)