Wednesday, April 28, 2010


WOW last night was the best night of my life. Besides the two radar tickets! I went and saw Henslee and her parents!!! I love them so much!!! We talked about everything and worked every thing out!!! It was the greatest night EVER!!! I love them so much and couldn't be more grateful for them!!! Henslee is in the best place ever! I want her to be happy and I know she is. I love the way her mom holds her and she'll stop crying. I love the way her dad makes her laugh. I love the way she is so chubby and how they look at her. They wanted her more then anything and I am so glad that they are her parents. I miss her SOOOO much but know I did the right thing for henslee. She is loved and that's all that matters.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Feelings of Love

This morning I woke up and well I decided to read my patriarchal blessing. I read it and noticed some things that apply to me right now. "At times you will have burdens that are seemingly too great, if you pray he will hear and answer those prayers." So I hopped out of bed and prayed, again. I prayed to be okay with this all. To get better (because I have strep throat right now), and most of all to be forgiven for the mistakes I've made. I cried a lot, and a lot, and a lot. But then I got on the Maughan's blog and saw a video. I know they love me, and I know I can go to them with anything, but I'm scared. They're busy and they're moving and trying to live their life. I don't want to interrupt. I want it to be their life. But I do want to see her. I love my little girl so much. At group somebody asked what it was like after you placed her. Like did u feel like an aunt, sister, friend, or what. I said that it feels like your the mom still, just a mom that doesn't take care of them. I want to expand on that. I also feel like her guardian angel. Because I am watching her from a distance. I am blessing her life from afar. and if she EVER needed anything I would be right there to give it to her. I am her guardian angel and always will be there for her. I use to sing to her the song guardian angel while she was in my stomach. I wonder if I sang it again, if she would remember.
Time to go to church, I cry a lot at church. I hope I don't cry today.
P.S. I'm scared for mother's day. I have to nanny :(

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Yesterday was hard, today is better.

Last night I had a dream that she got taken away from me again. It sometimes replays in my dreams over and over again. It's sad. I miss her a lot and want to see her, but know i should give her space. and I am super busy with life right now. Maybe if i keep pretending every things okay then one day it will be...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


June 23, 2010

Well today has been a really really hard day!

It started this morning.Like at one in the morning. I was trying to go to bed, and i just could NOT sleep. For some reason I could not sleep!!! So my mind just started thinking. Today exactly 1 year ago is when I found out that I was pregnant. I reflected over that time and realized how hard that day was for me. I'm not going to write about it because I am trying to forget it and I'm hoping that if I don't write about it, it will just disappear. Sometimes I think I should do that with everything. Have it a completely closed adoption, i think that it's just so hard for me.
Well anyway. After I started thinking about things I starting crying, balling. So I got down on my knees and i prayed, I prayed for him to take my pain away. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I was on my knees for a while begging for him to take it away. I don't understand the atonement, but everyone keeps telling me that he can take away my pain. I don't know how, but if he can I sure wish he would. Finally at like two thirty, or three I fell asleep.
That morning I woke up crying again, so i went running. I ran to get the pain away, but the more i ran the more in pain i was physically so i had to stop. Then I showered and the time where i love to cry is the shower. so i did. After that I went to class (didn't focus, and have a test on Monday) and then got my hair done. While I was getting my hair done I got a text from Jaymie, saying that she got her court date. Hum... Oh happy day (sarcastically). What the hell am i supposed to say to that... Oh i'm so glad she gets to be sealed to ur family and not mine. YAY! :(
Something that I should mention about this is that last week when i went to see Henslee I asked if i could see her on the 7th because i had a feeling it would be hard for me because of the year thing. She said that they were going to be outta town.... So I was like well could maybe u send a picture that day or something then. She said yes. The week before that we talked about the court date, and i told them that that was really hard for me because i feel like it's going so fast and i have had no time to breathe really. So I had made it clear that: 7th = hard day, court date = bad. WHY would she said me the court date on the 7th????? WHATEVER!!!! When this happens it feels like I mean nothing to them. They say they love me well then show me by respecting my wishes. OH well, nothing i can do. I know i placed henslee there for a reason. Maybe I should just stop talking to them permanently and move on with my life away from them. From EVERYTHING! I want a fresh start. My heart will never move on though, my heart hurts. I'm so sick of this!!!!!!
The court date is June 23, at 9 am. It's funny how to a whole family this is going to be the best day ever, but to one little girl this is going to be the WORST day of her life. funny how life works.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I did it for her....

My friend who just placed her baby a week ago just texted me and said "Why is this so hard." I wish I knew what words to say to help her. I told her that she is going to be in the lowest of lows for a while and that's okay to hurt. It's normal, but she is the only one that can pull herself out of the pain. Only her... I wish there was more I could do or say to make her feel better, but there is nothing. I want to make her happy again. I almost wanted to tell her not to do it in the hospital, but I can't make that decision for anyone. I told her that we are going to hang out a lot more and I am going to hopefully be there for her through everything!! I feel so bad for her. She just sent me another text saying "I most definitely wouldn't have wanted this any other way. I love him enough to give him the life he deserves regardless of the pain." I think this girl is 16, she placed only 6 days ago and just said that. She is in a better place then me. But I guess the Lord is still holding her hand. The Lord held mine for a while, then I think he thought I was ready to do it on my own and he let go. When he let go is when I crashed into a pit so deep that I don't know how to get out. He want's to see if i can make it i guess. I just want to tell him to carry me again!!! I can't do this!!!! I need him not only to help me, but carry me. Take ALL my load. I feel bad to ask that, but I'm in so much pain it takes so much energy. I hurt. I wish this upon NO ONE!

I also just found out that this little girl I nanny's parents are getting a divorce!!! Why is this happening!?! I just wish divorce wouldn't happen. It breaks my heart for this little girl!

Why does pain happen? I pray everyday that through these hard times the Lord is with those who need him. I see hurt and pain every where I turn. I want to comfort, but I don't know how. Everyone has to do it on there own.

I guess the main reason why I am having such a hard time with this is because Henslee would have been in a good situation. I would have done EVERYTHING to make her life the best possible. I am a GOOD MOM!!! I have wanted to be a mom my WHOLE LIFE! Why did I have to give away my hearts desire! WHY!?!!?! Everyone tells me it wasn't my time. HOw the hell can you say that to someone who spent the last nine months LOVING the child in her. It's not her time!!?!???! SUCK IT!
And how does MATT deny that Henslee is his. She looks identical to him. AAHHHH WHEN DOES IT STOP HURTING?!?!?!?!?