I am a birthmom. Many people don't know this about me because it's not something I go around sharing with everyone. I wish I could though because to me talking about Henslee (my daughter) is my most favorite thing ever, especially today! Today is her birthday and I just want to tell everyone I meet. I want them to know that today 4 years ago at 3:01pm I gave birth to a very healthy beautiful 8lbs 12oz 21inches long little girl! I gave her life when I was single and 19. I was old enough to keep her, but she would've been raised by my mom and I instead of her having a dad. I wanted her to have a dad so bad. I also wanted to keep her. I wanted to be her mom. I wanted not to place her for adoption. I wanted to never ever leave her side. But that wasn't what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to place her. I was supposed to give her to Jaymie and Jesse Maughan. I was supposed to love her from afar and be her guardian angel. I don't know why that was my road to have to continue to go through but it is. I am a birthmom and I am proud of it. I don't think I did something courageous or marvelous. I don't think I did it because I was "too young". I think I did it because she was meant to be with her parents and there was no denying it.
I am a birthmom to a 4 year old little girl who I got to see tonight. I get to see her a lot. My adoption is open and a beautiful thing! I get to see her as much as I want and I get to hold her and sometimes even babysit her. I get to love on her and I will get to do this forever. My adoption is a beautiful thing that is one of my favorite topics to talk about, but it is not all daisies and roses. It hurts to be a birthmom. It hurts to have my daughter not with me. It hurts looking at myself in the mirror and seeing stretch marks, but no baby or excuse for them. It sucks when other moms are talking about there birthing stories and I sit there with my mouth shut because they don't know that I have had a baby. I hate not kissing her goodnight every night. Sometimes late at night when I am missing her I pretend she's holding my hand and I squeeze it then say goodnight then I cry myself to sleep. It still hurts, not as much as it did within the first year, but i still does hurt. I don't cry as often, but I still cry.
I am a birthmom who wants the world to know, but don't want the thoughts that people have about me. I don't want the negativity that comes sometimes when people hear that I am a birthmom. I have had to much negative when I tell people that I am very picky on who I tell, but because of this I feel as if I am very stand-off-ish now. I want to tell everyone and their mom, but I want positive things when I talk about Henslee. I don't like weird looks or when people never bring it up because she is my life and my blessing. She is my best friend and my hero. She is my everything and if you can't respect that you don't deserve to know about my secret. I keep my secret close to my heart and if you deserve to know I'll share it with you... one day.
I decided I wanted to write a small example of how many times a day I think about my princess.
Yesterday: I woke up and saw her picture sitting on the desk as I left. Got in the car and headed to work. Thought about my friend who just had her baby that made my thoughts turn to Henslee. Got to work and they talked about having a mother's day party in May. The first thought was I need to take that day off, and I wanted to cry. I didn't though. I held strong and just walked away. No one at work knows I had a baby so therefore I am a mother. There's a girl I work with who is pregnant and she always talks about her pregnancy and I have to pretend I have no idea what it feels like. So basically Henslee is with me at work all day! I sometimes hold my kids at work extra hard because I pretend they are her and I can hold her close to me. Then that night we went out to dinner and I was thinking about calling Jaymie and ask how she was, but I didn't. Then to the school for Jared to go to a class and I listened to music and scrapbooked. Henslee is in every song I listen to. She's my love, my hurt, my happiness and sadness. She is always with me and I love her more than anything!
This is my typical day of thinking of her. She will always be on my mind! :)