Saturday, January 30, 2010

The big ball of pain

Well I've been having better days, but it still sucks, which i hear it does for a while. I don't know how I will ever be able to love again it feels like. I've been hanging out with some guy friends lately, and enjoying every minute of it. They are way sweet and funny. I even sometimes think I like one of them, but then when that thought of liking someone comes into my mind it quickly is erased by my past relationships. I get so scared it makes me sick to my stomach. I have had the worst past relationships anyone could have and to let someone in would take SO much effort on my part. I haven't really let anyone into this piece of me that is slowly dying. I try and hide it so that people won't think I'm a depressed retard. But It hurts! BAD! I'm wasting away by my own loneliness and secrets that I have been keeping from the world. I don't even think my best friend knows everything that I have in me. I keep this ball of pain hidden deep within my heart and don't know how to let anyone into that. This blog is helpful for me to explore the edges of this ball of pain, but to go into it would be scary. Maybe if I ignore it forever it will go away. That's what I'm trying to do.
Well anyways... I don't know how I am ever going to let someone into my world. I refuse to love again. Why have another heart ache? I just can't handle that...

Thursday, January 21, 2010

the truth

Hum.. Where to begin...
I am in hell. I hate my life and wish i was dead. I have been living in hell for weeks now and don't know where to run. School started this week and I have no motivation what so ever. It's gone. Everything is gone. There is not one thing in this world that can keep me going. But for some reason I have not killed myself. I would like to very much, but know that it will not help because then I would have to confront my friends and family up there and say I failed. I guess that is what is keeping me alive. I'm scared of dying. I don't want to be here though. I cry every time I get in my car by myself because I like to hide my feelings from the world. I wish I was better at expressing my emotions/feelings, but I am not. I like to hide and wish i could run away from everything. I lost my man, my best friends, and my baby. Life has no meaning to me. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about my losses and wish i was somewhere else so i could cry and cry and cry. I need a hand to hold to get me through this but there is none there. I need someone who i can tell i feel like shit and want to die and have them rush to my side and hold me. But i don't. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE ABSENCE OF EVERYTHING THAT ONCE WAS.
I saw my baby the last night and she is beautiful. She has her father's eyes which is what I wanted for her to have SOOO bad. I prayed for her to get his eyes, but now that she does and he's gone I wish she didn't. I wish she had mine because she has nothing of mine. She looks like the man that didn't want her. The man that left her and her birth mom to do everything themselves. When I look at her it kills me to see him. I wanted him, I wanted her. I never seem to get what I want or what I need, because right now I need something. Someone. But I don't have anything. I'm alone and with that comes pain. I pray still every night that He will just take me so I don't have to wake up the next morning in pain. But i'm still here. Wishing I wasn't.

Friday, January 8, 2010


My Life in a nut shell...

My best 2 friends ditched me tonight and were rude to me last night.

The love of my life was on a date tonight with another girl.

My Family is mad at me and forgot that I placed only a month ago and to give me a break!

My baby is gone.

When are the blessings going to come?