The court date went well. Everything went fast and was fine. I got to meet a lot more of Henslee's cousins and family. I will get to meet even more on Saturday. I can't wait. But I can wait for the sealing. ;)
Tomorrow is a day of happiness and sorrow all in one. Tomorrow Henslee will officially be Henslee L Maughan. It hurts, but is dim because of the joy I feel for her to have a mom and dad. She is so loved and they are so happy. I am so thankful for them to all be together at last. (Even if I am going to hurt). I decided that I am going to go and be at the court date with them. I want to see them happy and her happy. I am very excited, but sad at the same time. It's a happy sad. I love her very much and just wish she knew the love i felt for her. I wish she could love me back like I love her, but she will never because she has another mom who gets all that love. But that is what I want for her. I want her to have that mom that doesn't have to work and will be there for her every step of the way! Her father will always provide and scare away her boyfriends. That is exactly what I wanted for her!! :) I can't wait to see her tomorrow! I love the dress she is going to wear!!! I love her with ALL my heart and soul and hope for the best.
I wish people could understand how I am feeling. It's so annoying having these moments where there is so much pain and then I start to cry. I wish they could understand. I am going through HELL right now LEAVE me alone!! I had a very rough night tonight. I watched the video I made for henslee last night with some friends to show them what I went through and I forgot how real it was and still is. It really opened the wounds for me and ever since I have been just a cry baby. Which I NEVER cry so it's amazing that I go cry. A LOT. I even cried in front of people. NEVER do i do that! NEVER!!! I can't WAIT to see her saturday and am looking forward to it SOOOOOOO much!!!! I am so grateful for my open adoption. I am so grateful that I get to see her as often as I do. I miss her and love her SOOOOOOOOOOO0OOOO much!!!!
I went to the temple the other night with friends. I stood in front of it looking at it. Then a picture popped into my mind of Jesse and Jaymie walking out of it with their little girl after her being sealed to them. Their faces were happy and Jaymie had tear lines on her face. It is an image still presented very well in my mind. I started to cry. I couldn't stop the tears. It was like a dream as I watched them hug their family and be all together. It hurt. I couldn't stop the tears. I felt awkward being with my friends so i walked away from them with the tears still pouring down my cheeks. I saw something that is going to be happening very soon. It really hurt me to see how happy they were. I want that happiness too. It's really hard to hear the word Sealed. I just get the biggest pit in my stomach. I miss her so much, but know that she will be happy too. I could see her smiling with her family. I did this for her happiness and that is what she's getting.
Well... Today's been rough. I watched Juno tonight while I was babysitting and it just brought back a lot of emotions. I could feel with her, but more then her because I was i her shoes. It's hard to feel like there is hope for a perfect family when everything else around you is crashing down. Jesse and Jaymie seem to have it together though and I am so grateful Jesse is still there for Jaymie. :) I love them so much and am so grateful for all they do for me. I really couldn't have a better couple to adopt my baby. I remember watching Juno for the first time on an airplane to Hawaii many years ago and being sad, but not thinking much of it. I remember thinking this would never happen to me. YA RIGHT!! Another thing that I couldn't understand is why Juno went over to the adoptive couples house all the time. Like why she would go talk to the adoptive dad, but now as I watched it from a new perspective I understood. It is so hard being alone and when she was wit him/them she would feel needed and loved. I used to be the same way and still do. I want to sometimes call Jesse and Jaymie randomly to talk because I feel like they are family to me. It's the weirdest feeling ever, but just true. I'm not an open person, but with them I sometimes just want to talk and talk and talk like I do with my mom sometimes. It's nice to feel needed and loved. They updated their blog for me tonight and I am very grateful!!!! I love looking at her cute pictures. It makes me so happy to see her and know she's happy.
So this past week my bestest friend and I have kinda been in a fight and basically I didn't want to talk to her for stupid reasons, but one of the main ones was that she forgets about what I am going through. I feel like everyone does. They all think since i'm acting fine and always smile that i'm fine. But I'm not. I mean ya I'm better about the whole thing, but it still hurts... A LOT!! I lost my daughter. I feel like she's dead. The pain is still there and will forever be there and its very frustrating when I feel as if people just forget. I don't like reminding them either because then I feel like I'm asking for pity, which i'm not. I really am fine, just tender. VERY TENDER. Especially this month. Henslee's court date is in 17 days and her sealing in 19. The pain gets a little bit stronger everyday as the date gets closer and closer... I am happy, but VERY SAD and nervous for what I am going to be like. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart. I know she's in a better place, but oh how I miss her with every inch of my heart and soul. She will live with me forever and ever! I never will have a day without the thought of her go through my mind. She is the reason why I wake up in the morning. She is my sunshine!