I miss Henslee, but am moving on. I feel that as time goes on my sorrow becomes less. My hole gets smaller. Things are happening for me!! I have a ton of amazing options in my life and am so excited to push forward. I have been looking back for so long that it was hard to move forward, but now im ready. I'm never going to let go and move on, but I am going to move forward! I love Henslee and get to see her this Friday because the couple ASKED ME to come see her this week!! I was SOOO happy when they asked if I wanted to come out and see her!! I wanted to so bad, but was scared to ask cuz she's sealed now, but they asked me and all the fears went away. Nothing has changed. They still love me and I love them!!! This is going to be a forever relationship together and I am so grateful for them and I know they wil help Henslee grow in righteousness!!!!!
This past weekend I got really sick so today I took work off to relax and get better. I never take work off. It's been a god morning. Woke up about nine and I'm still sitting in bed :). I have been posting pictures of Henslee on Facebook. I swore I would never do that in case somebody didn't know, but I just wanted to show her off. It's so weird how empty I feel right now. I miss her and looking at her just makes me smile from ear to ear. I love seeing her and watching all the videos I have of her. It really brightens up my day. I can't wait to see her again, but I know I shouldn't get excited for it, because I need to start moving on with my life. I'm at a road block but instead of choosing one way or the other I feel as if i'm walking in circles waiting for the two paths to some how move into one. I know they never will though. My life is a life without Henslee. I need to move forward. I just don't know how. :(. Even though I miss her I still can't believe how happy I am at where she is at in life. I am SO happy she's with her mom and dad! That just brightens my day SOO much!!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today Henslee is 7 months. She is getting so big and time has just flown right out the window. She is in Utah with her family and is just so happy to be up there. I got a picture of her today which I am SOOO grateful for!! Her parents are so good to me and make me feel loved. I'm still scared that things will be different now that it is finalized. They keep telling me that nothing is going to change, but as soon as it was finalized with so many other birth mom's they stopped talking to them, or cut the communication down a ton!!! I hope my couple doesn't. I don't think they will cuz they are amazing, but we'll see. I am super sick today and couldn't go to work or do anything today. That is a first for me so it's been nice to relax. Last night when I was in bed with lots of pain I just felt like I was in the hospital again with contractions from Henslee. It was so weird. I miss her tons and think about her often, but couldn't be happier with where she is. I look at my life and think it would be so different if I was a mom right now. I just am so happy for the way everything turned out. I love Henslee and will FOREVER!
Saturday went well.. Everything is final. It is a numb empty feeling that I can't explain. It feels like I can't ever see her again. It's so weird. I know I can but I feel like I have no say on anything anymore. It's what I want so I am happy for everything, but at the same time... I just am numb. I dunno. Life has been good and hard for me. I've been SOO busy and it's hard on me to be so busy. I don't ever really get out anymore and I always have a lot of things to get done. I feel like I never have a minute to think about it or her. So that's a good thing. It hit me really hard last Friday night, but now it's all over and there is nothing I can do about it so I am just moving on. She's gone forever. I am so happy that she has a mom and dad. I miss her daily and love her more then words could ever say!