Thursday, May 27, 2010


So yesterday was my birthday. I went to California to celebrate it. I enjoyed getting away and having some time with my best friend, but at the same time it was sad. All i wanted was to be with Henslee. I'm glad I wasn't though because I like it when I have space from her, but it was just the weirdest feeling. I miss her and think about her often. I don't cry as much though, and just miss her as a friend misses her friend. I just feel so deeply connected to her though and wished I was with her. I do get to see her on Saturday though and that just makes me so happy!!! I love her with all my heart, but am glad she's with her family. I can't wait to update more pictures of her. I can't wait to see how big she's gotten!! I mean it's only been like two weeks, but when their this small they grow daily!!! I love to see her and am so excited to see her on SATURDAY!!!!

It was funny because my best friend wrote in the sand that she loved her boyfriend like everyone does and since I don't have a boyfriend the only person I absolutely love enough to write their name in the sand would have to be little miss Henslee. So I wrote I <3 H in the sand. She's still my everything even though she's not with me and will always be my everything. :)

Monday, May 24, 2010


I was saved today!! I was almost in a really really bad car accident, but the Lord literally saved me!!! It was the scariest moment in my life. To make a long story of loosing control of my car and swerving out of control short. My car ended up facing a semi coming at me on the freeway. I had never been more scared in my life. I then got a prompting to turn my wheel to the left and everything would be okay. It was so weird but i reacted fast and my car ended up somewhere off of the freeway. I have no idea how it ended up there but it did. It was the craziest event in my life. I was literally SAVED! They said that you get blessings for placing and I feel as if I used all of those blessings today. It makes me sad that I don't get anymore, but hey my life was saved today so at least I used them on a big gift. :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


So I just wanted to say that I went to Tiffany's and they are fixing it with no cost. I was way happy about that!!! I also bought another charm for my neckless. It says HLM with the date she was born on it!! SO NOW I HAVE TWO REMINDERS!!! I am so happy!!!

So randomly last night I was talking to this friend of mine (who didn't know I was a birthmom) and he brought up his sister who 3 years ago placed her baby for adoption. She had a hard time with it and decided to start drugs. It made my heart brake for her. She is in a bad place, not because of the adoption, but because she didn't choose to change her habits. I also met another birthmom recently who got pregnant 3 months after placing because she went back into old habits. I just have to say that it takes a strong girl to place and move on after placing. This was a hard thing to do. I hurt and ache, but am happy and able to move on. I loved her so much and wanted to give her the father she never would've gotten with me. I still hurt about the fact of being abandoned. But with everything else in the matter I am doing well. I love seeing her and being with her and I love the way she looks at her mom and dad. She is so happy which makes me the LUCKIEST mom in the world. :)

Monday, May 17, 2010

walking through the rain

Today's been a super hard day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!! I was so happy!! She is so pretty!!! I took some way cute pictures with my phone!! I love her. Her mom then texted me on my way home and said she wanted me to help her pick out her blessing dress with her. She said that she thought it would be cute if both her mom's picked it out. I thought that was so nice of her!!! It made me so happy to know that she wants my help. It makes me feel important and apart of Henslee's life. Because sometimes I forget! I am so happy!!

Today started out okay. Then the talks at church were all about the temple and sealing and stuff. I just kinda make a funny face when I hear the words eternal family, or sealing is important. I know it is and that's why I placed her, it still stings every time I hear those words. I just have to think future tense. When I have my own kids I am going to love the sealing covenant and want it in my life, but as of right now... it's kinda just a blah subject to me.
Going off on a tangent: ON Mother's day my neighbor called me and was just making sure I was having a good day. She lost her son 5 years ago to suicide and misses him a lot. She is probably one of the few people that I can talk to and relate the feelings I have of loosing a child with. I usually talk to her when my parents don't understand. (Which is a ton). My mom lost a brother, her mom and dad, but she still is everything happens for a reason type of person. I think it's because she hasn't lost a child yet. I fell that that is a hard pain to deal with. Anyway my neighbor, Carol, has helped me a lot and has always been there for me. I call her my second mom. So we were talking and she said that she's always thought she could relate a little bit to me because of the fact of her son dying. Then she said, but now I feel I can't relate at all because the thing that kept me going day to day after his passing was that we were sealed and one say I will get to be with him again. She then said that she honestly doesn't know what I am going through because without that the loss of her son would have overtaken her. I started crying and said ya I think of that a lot. The thing that keeps me going is the fact that she will be happy and have more then I could ever give her. A mother, AND A FATHER. It hurts. It really hurts.
I hate it when people think they can relate. or when they tell me that oh you made the right choice, or complement me. I don't want your praise. I don't need your praise. I need hope and prayers. Just say I bet your hurting I'll pray for you, or Wow you must be in a lot of pain there is hope. I know that everyone is trying ad I shouldn't judge. Which I try not to.

Anyways back to why today was hard... :)
I got this beautiful Tiffany's neck-less the night I gave Henslee to Jesse and Jaymie. They gave it to me and it has a H on it for Henslee. I love it with every ounce of my body and have worn it everyday and night. Shower, no shower, Volleyball, running, everything. I occasionally have been taking it off to run because it got really dirty. So I decided for it's protection to take it off when I'm running. So that has been the only time.
Well tonight I was going out with some friends and wanted to look cute. I got this really cute long neckless for my birthday from the people I nanny and wanted to show it off tonight. I put it on and it didn't really go with my H neckless. So I was debating on whether or not to take off my H one. I decided after about 30 min or debating in my head as a finished getting ready that I could take off my H, because I was doing way better with the whole adoption thing and should be able to start slowly letting go and moving on. So i carefully took it off and hung it up on it's rack in my room.
As I let go it slipped through my figures, some how got caught in the electrical outlet in my room, sparked and fell to the ground. When I went to pick it up it was broken. It was cut in half. I was devastated!!! I looked at it and didn't know what to think. Then I started balling. I showed my mom who STUPIDLY said you care too much about name vain things. I screamed at her with all my might. I was so pissed that she said that. It was not because it was from Tiffany's. It was because it was from Jesse and Jaymie and meant that I had Henslee with me at all times. I got my keys and left. I parked at a church for a while and just balled. I thought about even breaking the sabbath to go get it fixed tonight. I feel naked without it. I feel broken and sad. That neckless meant so much to me. I hope that I will be able to fix it. I just had a really hard time with that tonight.
Things happen for a reason. But a reason for this to happen is beyond me. It broke my heart. One day the sun will shine though and I believe that. I just have to walk in the rain and fog for a while.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Birth Mothers Day!

Birth Mothers day was one of the best day's in my life!! I enjoyed every minute of being with Henslee. She always makes me so happy and being with her brightens up my life until the next visit. We took some really cute pictures and keeping those close to me helps me remember who I am. They gave me the cutest little book with pictures of me and her, and her hand print and foot print. They were so good to me!!
Then Mothers day came and it was hard, but okay. I had the strength from the day before to get me through it I prayed a lot and hid my tears, but I cried a lot as well.
There was one point that was really hard when my sisters were taking pictures with their sons and I just thought how I wished Henslee was there to take pictures with me, but I remembered I got my pictures yesterday and that was better. I did ball though. I've had a hard time with this whole process, but I am okay with it all now. But the tears still come, the pain is still there, but I would do it again because it was the best thing for Henslee. I love her with all my heart and it brakes often, but the pain gets spread out over time.
My mom gave me this book for Mothers day that I think I'm going to give to Jaymie. It's really cute about adoption. There was one part in it that I just started to cry so hard. It tells about every side of the adoption and one point is of the child's while inside the birth mom. It said that the baby guides you to their parents, which i believe, then it said that if the baby would talk she would say something like "I know this is hard for you, I know your in pain, and I thank you for it. I know that when I get out you will never know the love I have for you, but I love you and will always be apart of you." When I read that the tears came so much because that is all I have ever wanted. Was for her to love me as much as I love her. It meant the world to me. She means the world to me and even though I'm okay with it all I still have hard days, there just less. I never regret, I just miss. I love her with all my heart!

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Today was the first day in almost 4 years that I partook of the sacrament and bore my testimony!!! Life feels right!! I am so happy and I don't think I would have ever gotten to this point without Henslee. She is my everything and I can't wait to see her again on Birth-mothers day!!!!