walking through the rain

Today's been a super hard day.

Yesterday was a good day. I got to see BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS!! I was so happy!! She is so pretty!!! I took some way cute pictures with my phone!! I love her. Her mom then texted me on my way home and said she wanted me to help her pick out her blessing dress with her. She said that she thought it would be cute if both her mom's picked it out. I thought that was so nice of her!!! It made me so happy to know that she wants my help. It makes me feel important and apart of Henslee's life. Because sometimes I forget! I am so happy!!

Today started out okay. Then the talks at church were all about the temple and sealing and stuff. I just kinda make a funny face when I hear the words eternal family, or sealing is important. I know it is and that's why I placed her, it still stings every time I hear those words. I just have to think future tense. When I have my own kids I am going to love the sealing covenant and want it in my life, but as of right now... it's kinda just a blah subject to me.
Going off on a tangent: ON Mother's day my neighbor called me and was just making sure I was having a good day. She lost her son 5 years ago to suicide and misses him a lot. She is probably one of the few people that I can talk to and relate the feelings I have of loosing a child with. I usually talk to her when my parents don't understand. (Which is a ton). My mom lost a brother, her mom and dad, but she still is everything happens for a reason type of person. I think it's because she hasn't lost a child yet. I fell that that is a hard pain to deal with. Anyway my neighbor, Carol, has helped me a lot and has always been there for me. I call her my second mom. So we were talking and she said that she's always thought she could relate a little bit to me because of the fact of her son dying. Then she said, but now I feel I can't relate at all because the thing that kept me going day to day after his passing was that we were sealed and one say I will get to be with him again. She then said that she honestly doesn't know what I am going through because without that the loss of her son would have overtaken her. I started crying and said ya I think of that a lot. The thing that keeps me going is the fact that she will be happy and have more then I could ever give her. A mother, AND A FATHER. It hurts. It really hurts.
I hate it when people think they can relate. or when they tell me that oh you made the right choice, or complement me. I don't want your praise. I don't need your praise. I need hope and prayers. Just say I bet your hurting I'll pray for you, or Wow you must be in a lot of pain there is hope. I know that everyone is trying ad I shouldn't judge. Which I try not to.

Anyways back to why today was hard... :)
I got this beautiful Tiffany's neck-less the night I gave Henslee to Jesse and Jaymie. They gave it to me and it has a H on it for Henslee. I love it with every ounce of my body and have worn it everyday and night. Shower, no shower, Volleyball, running, everything. I occasionally have been taking it off to run because it got really dirty. So I decided for it's protection to take it off when I'm running. So that has been the only time.
Well tonight I was going out with some friends and wanted to look cute. I got this really cute long neckless for my birthday from the people I nanny and wanted to show it off tonight. I put it on and it didn't really go with my H neckless. So I was debating on whether or not to take off my H one. I decided after about 30 min or debating in my head as a finished getting ready that I could take off my H, because I was doing way better with the whole adoption thing and should be able to start slowly letting go and moving on. So i carefully took it off and hung it up on it's rack in my room.
As I let go it slipped through my figures, some how got caught in the electrical outlet in my room, sparked and fell to the ground. When I went to pick it up it was broken. It was cut in half. I was devastated!!! I looked at it and didn't know what to think. Then I started balling. I showed my mom who STUPIDLY said you care too much about name vain things. I screamed at her with all my might. I was so pissed that she said that. It was not because it was from Tiffany's. It was because it was from Jesse and Jaymie and meant that I had Henslee with me at all times. I got my keys and left. I parked at a church for a while and just balled. I thought about even breaking the sabbath to go get it fixed tonight. I feel naked without it. I feel broken and sad. That neckless meant so much to me. I hope that I will be able to fix it. I just had a really hard time with that tonight.
Things happen for a reason. But a reason for this to happen is beyond me. It broke my heart. One day the sun will shine though and I believe that. I just have to walk in the rain and fog for a while.