So I personally hate looking at blogs without pictures on them. haha. So I am adding some pictures on here of my family. (to the right you have my mom and I at wicked. I have no make-up on :( ) Also last night I went to dinner with Jesse and Jaymie. I had a great time with them and am so thankful that I had something to do on a Friday night!!! I let them feel my stomach and feel her move. They get so excited. It is so cute! The more time I spend with them the easier it will be to let go of the most precious thing ever. I am growing to love Jesse and Jaymie more and more and know that I could never keep their baby girl from them (as hard as this is going to be). They told me the name that they picked last night, as well. It is so cute and so weird that she has a name. Her name is now Henslee L Maughn. The L stands for me :) but they are leaving it just as an L so that people will ask her what it stands for. I apprecitate that so much. I love little Henslee more then anything and can't wait to hold her in my arms. So here is one picture, I can't figure this blog thing out to be honest with you all so you only get one picture! :) This is Cason, my cute little nephew, with a girls bow on that I gave to Jesse and Jaymie for Henslee to have. I think it's my cousins bow, but she left it here so it's my babies now! :) haha I think he looks so cute! Just like a little girl! :)
Last night I had a nightmare about the adoptive couple I have chosen. They didn't let me see my baby girl. :( I konw that they would never do that, but man in my dream it was miserable! I wanted to see her and to hold her, but I couldn't. I guess that's how its going to feel a little bit. I know I'll be able to see her every once in a awhile, but not as much as I would like. :( Have I mentioned how much i miss her yet? Because I do!!!! It was so cute! Today during my exam in anatomy she got the hiccups again. I was kind of annoyed because I was trying to take a test, but it made me giggle. I can't wait to hold her!! I love her with every piece of my broken heart! It's also crazy how as soon as you make up your mind with something, everything possible happens to go against the choice you made. For example this adoption thing... I thought about all the things I can do to keep this baby and it is possible for me to. Next semester all the classes that I want to take are all offered at night. This would be perfect! I could spend time with her all day and then take her to her dad's house at night when I go to school. It would work. But I can't and I won't. She deserve a mom and dad that live in the same house. :( As much as I want her! :( I hate this. Have a mentioned that yet??? I HATE THIS!
I felt my baby hiccup for the first time last night as I was trying to sleep. I think it could have been annoying for me if I didn't miss her so much! I loved it actually because I knew she was there and actually like there! I don't know... But I was also really sad because I felt bad for her. She had them forever!! I wanted to help her, but I couldn't.... I felt bad. That probably sounds stupid. haha! Oh well I hope they don't hurt her or anything. She is so cute! Oh and this friday Jaymie, Jesse and I are all going out to dinner! Can I tell you how excited I am?!? Well I am because I haven't seen them in forever and I love talking about our baby. :) I'll inform you on how that goes...
A want to slap Matt! I am hurting and miss him. Why did he have to use me? My sister made it very clear tonight that i sold my body! I was only used for sex. I hate him and this. I want to slap him across the face and tell him thanks for using me. Then leave. He hurt me! I can't handle it. Time for bed. I'm mad. Goodnight
Still in pain. My stomach is just STRETCHING like no other! I think i got some precontractions the other night that hurt like a mother. I'm not excited for labor at all.
So Matt texted me the other day and said "How's our little girl doing" and can I just say it felt like a bullet in my heart. Why does he have to say it like that? I mean its good he's finally taking ownership of the child, but how he worded it just made me cry! I just want him to want her and be with her and me forever! I want to be his wife more then anything and can't stand him not being there. :( I wore my hair tonight how he likes it which I haven't done since i've been pregnant because it makes me think of him. I just want to go over there and show him and tell him I love him and miss him! why can't i??!?!?!! I want him!
Today has been a very hard and emotional day. I work so hard at school for my grades and when I see no progress it just brakes my heart that I'm working so hard for nothing. It's just not fair!!!
Still in pain :( Mad Jesse and Jaymie haven't e-mailed me back yet Don't want to study love money baby is in my ribs I love her, but hate being pregnant I need a massage I miss my mommy Want to stop working Love showers listening to a lecture about bile Tired Pregnant want someone to cuddle with tonight maybe a teddy bear BORED hate my phone EXCATLY 2 MONTHS TIL I HAVE MY BABY!!! Goodbye
I'm 31 weeks tomorrow and in pain! :( I woke up this morning with my back hurting so bad! I don't like that. I need a man to massage me, but know that's never going to happen. At birth mother's support group thingy they told us to make a list of the perfect guy that we want so that when we are dating we will know what to look for and what to stay away from. My number three is that he HAS TO be good at massages because my body kills when I'm pregnant. haha I heard bloody noses were common during pregnancy. I hope that this is true because my nose bleed for a long time last night. I haven't had one of those since I was like ten. So that was weird. I have to go to the bathroom like double the amount I use to and my mouth is always dry it feels like. I never can drink enough water. Little one in me moves like a million times more then usual which leaves me waking up in the middle of the night and readjusting. They say to sleep on your left side, but she likes my right side better so I switch every time I wake up (which is a lot). Jaymie and Jesse e-mailed me 2 nights ago. It made me really happy to hear from them because I haven't talked to them since Matt and I went to dinner at their house. Jaymie said she wants to come to all my doctors appointments even though they are only like ten minutes. I can't tell you how happy I am that she wants to because it gives me more time to get to know her and makes me more comfortable that I am giving my baby to a good family. It is really hard when I we don't talk for a while because all these crazy emotions come telling me to keep her and it really hurts. :( Oh ya and so I was tlaking to my friend the other day and they told me I didn't love my baby because I wanted to keep her. I wanted to punch them in the face. I was just telling him my feelings about it and how I wanted her and am so scared to do this and everything and he said you don't love her because yo want to keep her. I HATED him!!! I was like you have NO IDEA! I obviously love her because I'm TRYING to do whats right! It doesn't mean its the easiest thing for me. It just means that it's right. AHHH I don't even know what to say! but I was pisssed!!!! I love my baby more then anything in the world and thats why I want to keep her. But it is also the reason I am giving her to Jesse and Jaymie. Because she deserves way better. Man I didn't mean to write that much. OOOPS :)
So... time to let out some flames again. Last night Matt and I went over to Jesse and Jaymie's house for dinner. It was so good and I love them more and more every time I'm with them. They are just fantastic. I got to see the baby room and wow was it amazing! I can't wait for her to be with them and be able to have all her own things and have a mom and a dad. I love her so much and want the very very best for her. The drive to their house is about an hour away so I got the pleasure to be in the car with Matt for two hours last night. In two hours of talking I realized how much I missed him. As soon as I got in my car to drive home the tears just flowed! I wanted to be with him again. I wanted him to hold me and be the father of our baby. He got to feel her kick last night and when he put his hand on my stomach the feelings I felt were intense. I wanted him to love her as much as me and be her father. Not only that I just wanted to be with him again. Even in like a year from now after we give the baby up what if we could get together again and be a couple? Why can't he love me!? I told him that I didn't care if he stated dating again. I figure that if he finds someone then I'll have to let go right? I just miss him so much and want him with me, but if I can;t have him I want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy. He told me he's never going to get married, but I hope he does and I hope he finds that one person who will make him the most happiest, like he has made me. I never told him I love him because I don't know what love is. I feel like I'm starting to get a good idea of it though as I am having a child. I found out that love means more then the words. It's actions and sometimes being silent. Love is something that grows over time and is selfless. To put others before your own desires is love. I feel like I still have so much to learn about love though. I want to fall in love on day with a man that will take me to the temple. I hope I get my wish. I miss Matt more then anything and wish he would just be her dad, but I need to move on and let it go as much as I don't want to. :(