So... time to let out some flames again. Last night Matt and I went over to Jesse and Jaymie's house for dinner. It was so good and I love them more and more every time I'm with them. They are just fantastic. I got to see the baby room and wow was it amazing! I can't wait for her to be with them and be able to have all her own things and have a mom and a dad. I love her so much and want the very very best for her.
The drive to their house is about an hour away so I got the pleasure to be in the car with Matt for two hours last night. In two hours of talking I realized how much I missed him. As soon as I got in my car to drive home the tears just flowed! I wanted to be with him again. I wanted him to hold me and be the father of our baby. He got to feel her kick last night and when he put his hand on my stomach the feelings I felt were intense. I wanted him to love her as much as me and be her father. Not only that I just wanted to be with him again. Even in like a year from now after we give the baby up what if we could get together again and be a couple? Why can't he love me!?
I told him that I didn't care if he stated dating again. I figure that if he finds someone then I'll have to let go right? I just miss him so much and want him with me, but if I can;t have him I want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy. He told me he's never going to get married, but I hope he does and I hope he finds that one person who will make him the most happiest, like he has made me. I never told him I love him because I don't know what love is. I feel like I'm starting to get a good idea of it though as I am having a child. I found out that love means more then the words. It's actions and sometimes being silent. Love is something that grows over time and is selfless. To put others before your own desires is love. I feel like I still have so much to learn about love though. I want to fall in love on day with a man that will take me to the temple. I hope I get my wish. I miss Matt more then anything and wish he would just be her dad, but I need to move on and let it go as much as I don't want to. :(
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