Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Well time to update...
There is only one word to describe how I feel.. suck

I've been thinking and I am way jealous of Abraham. He was asked to sacrifice his son and how hard that would have been. But then an angel came and stopped him from doing it. Where is my angel? I want one of those to tell me that I can have my baby back and that for my willing to sacrifice I will receive many blessings! But no! I get no angel. I get a broken heart and pain. I hate this. I want an angel!!!

Another thing that sucks is that on sunday I saw a friend of mine who got a girl pregnant about the same time as me, but he decided to stay with her and get married like the prophets asked and I saw them on Sunday and he was holding his little boy so happy. WHY COULDN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?! It brakes my heart and tears me to pieces!I want Matt so bad still and he still doesn't want me. I want to be married to him and have my baby, but I will never. They are both gone. How could I ever be happy again?

Saturday, December 26, 2009


This years Christmas was a lonely Christmas. I missed my baby girl like no other. It was hard, but it was good. I went and saw her last night and held her from eight to midnight. That went well and I'm so glad that I went and held her. She had some super cute outfits on! I love her more and more daily. It felt not real when I was holding her. Like this whole week I have been looking at pictures and showing her off to people and just missing her so much and then I went and saw her and it was like I was in a dream.

I made Henslee a DVD of her and all the pictures of them and I in the hospital and out of the hospital. We watched it last night and it usually always makes me cry, but while she was in my arms I didn't cry. I love her...

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My Baby!

I love my baby, I miss my baby...

My mom told me that she was not mine and I needed to accept it. I started balling and had a break down. She is mine. She has my DNA! How can she not be mine. She will forever have a place in my heart. I love her more than words can even express. She is my world, but yet she is gone. She is all i think about, but yet she is gone, life is worthless... I feel as if i'm still just going through the motions. I go with a smile, but i wish i could just cry most of the time. I do have good days though, but i still hurt and miss her. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I will get to see her. I count down the days til I get to see her next. When I'm with her is when im living. When im away is when I feel dead...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A New Blog

Jaymie made a Blog just for me with the story of my Princess's life in it. I thought that was so sweet of her.

We got everything cleared up and I am doing a lot better today since she's been born. I went and visited her last night and that made me so happy. She's been grumpy lately I guess. I feel bad for her and wish she was happy. I held her for a long time and she even got a warm bottle of breast milk last night with all the good stuff in it. I was so happy she was able to get that! I want her to have all the anti-bodies she can get!!! I love her more than anything and wish she was still with me, but I am happy she will still be happy with her parents and am glad she has a mom and a dad. I still blame Matt for this and don't like him for it right now, but hopefully one day will be able to forgive him.

I asked my friend the other night if he thinks I will ever find a husband and he told me that I would, but it would probably take time because I have had a baby and that's hard to get used to. I was very annoyed because it's true. Yes, she's technically not mine, but I have still had a baby and that is weird. I think I should've just kept her and then it would be the same results from guys. I hate guys. I never want to date again!!

Here's the newest picture I have of her from last night. I need more... I hopefully will get a full cd of a ton of pictures of her.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

pictuers of MY Princess


I never knew what it was like to just not care about anything until now. I try so hard to care, but I just don't. Matt asked me how I was doing today and the only word I can come up with is that I feel numb. I haven't cried today and that's a first. I am just in this trans it feels like. The book New Moon kind of helps with describing it. How when Edward left for weeks she wasn't fully there, but still going through the motions. I understand what that feels like now. I just don't care about anything. I pray at night for him to take me because I feel like I have completed my life. What else is there for me to do. I can't handle anymore heart ache. I just can't! I feel as if I don't even have a heart anymore. It is with my Henslee... I'm just numb.

I told Matt I hated him the other day. I decided it's his fault for this pain I'm feeling. We could be married and have our precious baby together. I care so much about him still and hate it because I just want to kill him at the same time. I HATE HIM!

So the couple is making me very annoyed as well... I was breast feeding henslee in the hospital because breast milk, to me, is very important. I want to give her this! It is something that I emotionally need to do for her. I need to give her this last little piece of me. It's probably is what keeps me going day to day. The couple knew that this was a huge concern of mine from day 1!!!!! They used my milk for a day and said it gave her a diaper rash and gave her diarrhea. So they decided not to use it! UH WAIT!!! HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO ME!! they weren't even excited when I brought them milk the first time. I feel so unappreciated. It's like I went from meaning everything top them to nothing. And they aren't respecting my wishes. Breast milk is thinner then formula so of course she is going to have diarrhea and BABIES GET DIAPER RASHES!!! It's normal!!! Feed her my damn milk retards! I didn't choose you guys to not respect my wishes as a mother I chose you because I trusted that you would respect me and my baby.

Yes I know I'm hormonal, but I just needed to let that out there. I cared a ton about that yesterday, but like I said today I just went numb and have been going through the motions. I can't even get myself to text them back because I just don't care anymore. Take my baby. Leave me. I'm done.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I never thought I would say this... but I miss my belly. :(

Monday, December 7, 2009

Rainy days and Mondays always get me Down

Henslee's first rainy day... I'm missing it :(
Henslee's first doctors apt... I missed it :(
Henslee is perfectly health the doctor says
My baby is perfect and I'm not there to see...

Matt is being a butthead. It really makes me so mad!
He asked Jesse and Jaymie to go and meet his parents last week and he didn't invite me. I have invited him to everything!!! Obviously my emotional needs mean nothing to him. Last night we went and visited them and had a good time. He loves her and I can tell. I asked him to go with me just to prove my point that I invite him to everything, I really didn't want him to go. I wanted to be with her. But he went and it wasn't so bad. It really sucks saying goodbye to her. I hate doing it. :( So then this morning I texted him and asked him if jesse and jaymie where keeping him updated on her events and he said yes and I was going to tell him that I didn't like that because I am the one that did EVERYTHING for nine months and all of a sudden he wants to be in her life! Uh I DON'T THINK SO!!!! Then he asks about the paternity test. UHHH I wanted to rip his head off!!!! He wants to see her, he wants to play with her, he wants to be updated, oh but he also DOESN'T THINK IT'S HIS! WOWOWOWOWOW! Can you say pathetic! MAN! How I hate boys!!!! He shouldn't be in her life unless I am there and he shouldn't talk to jesse and jaymie anymore. He should go through me. This is/was MY baby. He had no part in it except the fun part. AHHHH! I am so mad at him!
Also I hate that I can't call her mine anymore. I feel like she is mine, but she's not. Legally she's jesse and jaymie's. I hate that feeling. It hurts like no other. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest!!! I hate this! I absolutely hate this.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Life sucks! I miss her! I love her! I cry a lot! don't know what to write because I'm scared ill cry more.... I don't like this. When does it get better?

She's here... then gone...

I had my baby on Dec. 2 2009 at 3:01 pm. She weighed 8lbs 12 oz. I signed my paper's to give her up for adoption on saturday dec. 5, 2009 at promptly 4:00pm. I help her in my arms and wished i could hold her for eternity, but I let her go because I love her more then anything in the world. I am going to go visit her again today. I miss her so much.