NUMB

I never knew what it was like to just not care about anything until now. I try so hard to care, but I just don't. Matt asked me how I was doing today and the only word I can come up with is that I feel numb. I haven't cried today and that's a first. I am just in this trans it feels like. The book New Moon kind of helps with describing it. How when Edward left for weeks she wasn't fully there, but still going through the motions. I understand what that feels like now. I just don't care about anything. I pray at night for him to take me because I feel like I have completed my life. What else is there for me to do. I can't handle anymore heart ache. I just can't! I feel as if I don't even have a heart anymore. It is with my Henslee... I'm just numb.

I told Matt I hated him the other day. I decided it's his fault for this pain I'm feeling. We could be married and have our precious baby together. I care so much about him still and hate it because I just want to kill him at the same time. I HATE HIM!

So the couple is making me very annoyed as well... I was breast feeding henslee in the hospital because breast milk, to me, is very important. I want to give her this! It is something that I emotionally need to do for her. I need to give her this last little piece of me. It's probably is what keeps me going day to day. The couple knew that this was a huge concern of mine from day 1!!!!! They used my milk for a day and said it gave her a diaper rash and gave her diarrhea. So they decided not to use it! UH WAIT!!! HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO ME!! they weren't even excited when I brought them milk the first time. I feel so unappreciated. It's like I went from meaning everything top them to nothing. And they aren't respecting my wishes. Breast milk is thinner then formula so of course she is going to have diarrhea and BABIES GET DIAPER RASHES!!! It's normal!!! Feed her my damn milk retards! I didn't choose you guys to not respect my wishes as a mother I chose you because I trusted that you would respect me and my baby.

Yes I know I'm hormonal, but I just needed to let that out there. I cared a ton about that yesterday, but like I said today I just went numb and have been going through the motions. I can't even get myself to text them back because I just don't care anymore. Take my baby. Leave me. I'm done.