I am a birthmom. Many people don't know this about me because it's not something I go around sharing with everyone. I wish I could though because to me talking about Henslee (my daughter) is my most favorite thing ever, especially today! Today is her birthday and I just want to tell everyone I meet. I want them to know that today 4 years ago at 3:01pm I gave birth to a very healthy beautiful 8lbs 12oz 21inches long little girl! I gave her life when I was single and 19. I was old enough to keep her, but she would've been raised by my mom and I instead of her having a dad. I wanted her to have a dad so bad. I also wanted to keep her. I wanted to be her mom. I wanted not to place her for adoption. I wanted to never ever leave her side. But that wasn't what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to place her. I was supposed to give her to Jaymie and Jesse Maughan. I was supposed to love her from afar and be her guardian angel. I don't know why that was my road to have to continue to go through but it is. I am a birthmom and I am proud of it. I don't think I did something courageous or marvelous. I don't think I did it because I was "too young". I think I did it because she was meant to be with her parents and there was no denying it.
I am a birthmom to a 4 year old little girl who I got to see tonight. I get to see her a lot. My adoption is open and a beautiful thing! I get to see her as much as I want and I get to hold her and sometimes even babysit her. I get to love on her and I will get to do this forever. My adoption is a beautiful thing that is one of my favorite topics to talk about, but it is not all daisies and roses. It hurts to be a birthmom. It hurts to have my daughter not with me. It hurts looking at myself in the mirror and seeing stretch marks, but no baby or excuse for them. It sucks when other moms are talking about there birthing stories and I sit there with my mouth shut because they don't know that I have had a baby. I hate not kissing her goodnight every night. Sometimes late at night when I am missing her I pretend she's holding my hand and I squeeze it then say goodnight then I cry myself to sleep. It still hurts, not as much as it did within the first year, but i still does hurt. I don't cry as often, but I still cry.
I am a birthmom who wants the world to know, but don't want the thoughts that people have about me. I don't want the negativity that comes sometimes when people hear that I am a birthmom. I have had to much negative when I tell people that I am very picky on who I tell, but because of this I feel as if I am very stand-off-ish now. I want to tell everyone and their mom, but I want positive things when I talk about Henslee. I don't like weird looks or when people never bring it up because she is my life and my blessing. She is my best friend and my hero. She is my everything and if you can't respect that you don't deserve to know about my secret. I keep my secret close to my heart and if you deserve to know I'll share it with you... one day.
I decided I wanted to write a small example of how many times a day I think about my princess.
Yesterday: I woke up and saw her picture sitting on the desk as I left. Got in the car and headed to work. Thought about my friend who just had her baby that made my thoughts turn to Henslee. Got to work and they talked about having a mother's day party in May. The first thought was I need to take that day off, and I wanted to cry. I didn't though. I held strong and just walked away. No one at work knows I had a baby so therefore I am a mother. There's a girl I work with who is pregnant and she always talks about her pregnancy and I have to pretend I have no idea what it feels like. So basically Henslee is with me at work all day! I sometimes hold my kids at work extra hard because I pretend they are her and I can hold her close to me. Then that night we went out to dinner and I was thinking about calling Jaymie and ask how she was, but I didn't. Then to the school for Jared to go to a class and I listened to music and scrapbooked. Henslee is in every song I listen to. She's my love, my hurt, my happiness and sadness. She is always with me and I love her more than anything!
This is my typical day of thinking of her. She will always be on my mind! :)
Tonight I am crying. Tonight I am sad! Today 3 years ago I signed the papers to place my beautiful little girl for adoption. Every day since has been a struggle. I am a mother who is grieving. People think that I am not, because it was a choice, but I am!!!! The worst part about everything is that I know she's where she is supposed to be. That is something that should give comfort, but how can it when all I wanted was to be her mom and it wasn't what i was supposed to do.
I want to make it very clear thought that I DID NOT leave my child. I placed my child with parents who were supposed to be her parents. I DID NOT LEAVE HER or will I ever leave her. I will be here for her til the day I die! She is apart of me forever and for always no matter what!!!! I don't understand who could leave their child or children for drugs, money, ect., It just breaks my hearts for those children, but I am not a mother who left her child for any of that. I am a mother who feels like her child passed away at birth. I feel like I had this beautiful baby girl for 3 days that I will treasure so close to my heart and then that child went to where she was supposed to be and is now not my child. My child never left the hospital that day. But are not all children God's children? They all have a plan that is set out for them and parents are just guides to get them where they need to be.
Here's some lyrics that help express my feelings just a little bit because feelings for me are so hard to express:
"I'll start out by saying that my heart is breaking, but that wouldn't truly convay the depth of my feeling there's no use concealing the things i don't know how to say.
You'll be leaving and i'll be grieving. A dream that never will be.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me.
When this decision made such a revision in plans i held tightly before my fear was that it wasn't clear to me that giving you up was really giving you more
Because anyone loving you more than i already do was hard to believe.
It's a hard test when whats really best when whats really best for you is hardest to me.
It's a taste of the bitter that lets us know better by one suffered in Gethsemane.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me!"
Tonight i grabbed my stomach wishing you were in there again because then you would be close to me. I miss you little miss and hope your sleeping well tonight. You are on my mind just like every night.
I have so many unpublished posts on here I didn't want people to see. I might not even publish this. Depends what comes from my brain tonight. I love you more then words can say. I miss you every day! I want you in my life every day. I don't like writing my feelings because Jesse and Jaymie are amazing parents and I wouldn't want anything to change I just still have this hole in my heart. I probably don't even make sense. I'm sitting here listening to music thinking of you. Every song no matter what its about reminds me of you. I'm in a crowded room but feel so alone wanting to cry. I just pictured you running up to me calling me mama, but your not. To have you with me would be the best gift ever, but I know your where you need to be. Where Heavenly Father told me to put you. I'm holding back the tears as I see your beautiful face in my mind. I saw you a week ago tomorrow and that was so good seeing you. You are growing up! Your so big and getting so smart. You may have special qualities, but I think you are the smartest almost 3 year old in the world!!! Less then a month til your 3! Wow! Hens... You are so beautiful! You make my smile bigger then anyone else.
Henslee I have tried so hard to slowly not see you. I have slowly tried to let go. It sometimes feels better to not see you, but I can't let you go. Not fully. I don't think I'll ever let you leave my life. I'll always be there for you and your parents if you need anything!! Your parents are going through some stuff right now and they have such a positive perspective. I am so happy you have them to hug and kiss you goodnight. But I promise there isn't a night that I hold my teddy bear and kiss it and tell it "good night henslee." And if that teddy isn't with me I pray as hard as I can to have an angel hold you. I know there are angels that help you through your day because I pray for that every night! It comforts me to picture one of them holding you and rocking you. Your parents do an amazing job, but sometimes when they are not there you have angels surrounding you.
I seriously couldn't be more grateful for everything your parents do and have done.
I haven't posted in a while because I am terrified to offend anyone with my words, because I know I have before.
I just still hurt and miss her. I always will. and I like to write about it. It comforts me.