Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I never left her!

Tonight I am crying. Tonight I am sad! Today 3 years ago I signed the papers to place my beautiful little girl for adoption. Every day since has been a struggle. I am a mother who is grieving. People think that I am not, because it was a choice, but I am!!!! The worst part about everything is that I know she's where she is supposed to be. That is something that should give comfort, but how can it when all I wanted was to be her mom and it wasn't what i was supposed to do.

I want to make it very clear thought that I DID NOT leave my child. I placed my child with parents who were supposed to be her parents. I DID NOT LEAVE HER or will I ever leave her. I will be here for her til the day I die! She is apart of me forever and for always no matter what!!!! I don't understand who could leave their child or children for drugs, money, ect., It just breaks my hearts for those children, but I am not a mother who left her child for any of that. I am a mother who feels like her child passed away at birth. I feel like I had this beautiful baby girl for 3 days that I will treasure so close to my heart and then that child went to where she was supposed to be and is now not my child. My child never left the hospital that day. But are not all children God's children? They all have a plan that is set out for them and parents are just guides to get them where they need to be.

Here's some lyrics that help express my feelings just a little bit because feelings for me are so hard to express:
"I'll start out by saying that my heart is breaking, but that wouldn't truly convay the depth of my feeling there's no use concealing the things i don't know how to say.
You'll be leaving and i'll be grieving. A dream that never will be.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me.
When this decision made such a revision in plans i held tightly before my fear was that it wasn't clear to me that giving you up was really giving you more
Because anyone loving you more than i already do was hard to believe.
It's a hard test when whats really best when whats really best for you is hardest to me.
It's a taste of the bitter that lets us know better by one suffered in Gethsemane.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me!"

Tonight i grabbed my stomach wishing you were in there again because then you would be close to me. I miss you little miss and hope your sleeping well tonight. You are on my mind just like every night.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


My birthday visit back in may. We got some professional ones done a few weeks ago but I dont have them yet. soon :)

i love you little one

Dear Henslee,
I have so many unpublished posts on here I didn't want people to see. I might not even publish this. Depends what comes from my brain tonight. I love you more then words can say. I miss you every day! I want you in my life every day. I don't like writing my feelings because Jesse and Jaymie are amazing parents and I wouldn't want anything to change I just still have this hole in my heart. I probably don't even make sense. I'm sitting here listening to music thinking of you. Every song no matter what its about reminds me of you. I'm in a crowded room but feel so alone wanting to cry. I just pictured you running up to me calling me mama, but your not. To have you with me would be the best gift ever, but I know your where you need to be. Where Heavenly Father told me to put you. I'm holding back the tears as I see your beautiful face in my mind. I saw you a week ago tomorrow and that was so good seeing you. You are growing up! Your so big and getting so smart. You may have special qualities, but I think you are the smartest almost 3 year old in the world!!! Less then a month til your 3! Wow! Hens... You are so beautiful! You make my smile bigger then anyone else.

Henslee I have tried so hard to slowly not see you. I have slowly tried to let go. It sometimes feels better to not see you, but I can't let you go. Not fully. I don't think I'll ever let you leave my life. I'll always be there for you and your parents if you need anything!! Your parents are going through some stuff right now and they have such a positive perspective. I am so happy you have them to hug and kiss you goodnight. But I promise there isn't a night that I hold my teddy bear and kiss it and tell it "good night henslee." And if that teddy isn't with me I pray as hard as I can to have an angel hold you. I know there are angels that help you through your day because I pray for that every night! It comforts me to picture one of them holding you and rocking you. Your parents do an amazing job, but sometimes when they are not there you have angels surrounding you.

I seriously couldn't be more grateful for everything your parents do and have done.
I haven't posted in a while because I am terrified to offend anyone with my words, because I know I have before.
I just still hurt and miss her. I always will. and I like to write about it. It comforts me.