Wednesday, November 7, 2012

i love you little one

Dear Henslee,
I have so many unpublished posts on here I didn't want people to see. I might not even publish this. Depends what comes from my brain tonight. I love you more then words can say. I miss you every day! I want you in my life every day. I don't like writing my feelings because Jesse and Jaymie are amazing parents and I wouldn't want anything to change I just still have this hole in my heart. I probably don't even make sense. I'm sitting here listening to music thinking of you. Every song no matter what its about reminds me of you. I'm in a crowded room but feel so alone wanting to cry. I just pictured you running up to me calling me mama, but your not. To have you with me would be the best gift ever, but I know your where you need to be. Where Heavenly Father told me to put you. I'm holding back the tears as I see your beautiful face in my mind. I saw you a week ago tomorrow and that was so good seeing you. You are growing up! Your so big and getting so smart. You may have special qualities, but I think you are the smartest almost 3 year old in the world!!! Less then a month til your 3! Wow! Hens... You are so beautiful! You make my smile bigger then anyone else.

Henslee I have tried so hard to slowly not see you. I have slowly tried to let go. It sometimes feels better to not see you, but I can't let you go. Not fully. I don't think I'll ever let you leave my life. I'll always be there for you and your parents if you need anything!! Your parents are going through some stuff right now and they have such a positive perspective. I am so happy you have them to hug and kiss you goodnight. But I promise there isn't a night that I hold my teddy bear and kiss it and tell it "good night henslee." And if that teddy isn't with me I pray as hard as I can to have an angel hold you. I know there are angels that help you through your day because I pray for that every night! It comforts me to picture one of them holding you and rocking you. Your parents do an amazing job, but sometimes when they are not there you have angels surrounding you.

I seriously couldn't be more grateful for everything your parents do and have done.
I haven't posted in a while because I am terrified to offend anyone with my words, because I know I have before.
I just still hurt and miss her. I always will. and I like to write about it. It comforts me.

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