Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I never left her!

Tonight I am crying. Tonight I am sad! Today 3 years ago I signed the papers to place my beautiful little girl for adoption. Every day since has been a struggle. I am a mother who is grieving. People think that I am not, because it was a choice, but I am!!!! The worst part about everything is that I know she's where she is supposed to be. That is something that should give comfort, but how can it when all I wanted was to be her mom and it wasn't what i was supposed to do.

I want to make it very clear thought that I DID NOT leave my child. I placed my child with parents who were supposed to be her parents. I DID NOT LEAVE HER or will I ever leave her. I will be here for her til the day I die! She is apart of me forever and for always no matter what!!!! I don't understand who could leave their child or children for drugs, money, ect., It just breaks my hearts for those children, but I am not a mother who left her child for any of that. I am a mother who feels like her child passed away at birth. I feel like I had this beautiful baby girl for 3 days that I will treasure so close to my heart and then that child went to where she was supposed to be and is now not my child. My child never left the hospital that day. But are not all children God's children? They all have a plan that is set out for them and parents are just guides to get them where they need to be.

Here's some lyrics that help express my feelings just a little bit because feelings for me are so hard to express:
"I'll start out by saying that my heart is breaking, but that wouldn't truly convay the depth of my feeling there's no use concealing the things i don't know how to say.
You'll be leaving and i'll be grieving. A dream that never will be.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me.
When this decision made such a revision in plans i held tightly before my fear was that it wasn't clear to me that giving you up was really giving you more
Because anyone loving you more than i already do was hard to believe.
It's a hard test when whats really best when whats really best for you is hardest to me.
It's a taste of the bitter that lets us know better by one suffered in Gethsemane.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me!"

Tonight i grabbed my stomach wishing you were in there again because then you would be close to me. I miss you little miss and hope your sleeping well tonight. You are on my mind just like every night.

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