19 days....

Well... Today's been rough. I watched Juno tonight while I was babysitting and it just brought back a lot of emotions. I could feel with her, but more then her because I was i her shoes. It's hard to feel like there is hope for a perfect family when everything else around you is crashing down. Jesse and Jaymie seem to have it together though and I am so grateful Jesse is still there for Jaymie. :) I love them so much and am so grateful for all they do for me. I really couldn't have a better couple to adopt my baby. I remember watching Juno for the first time on an airplane to Hawaii many years ago and being sad, but not thinking much of it. I remember thinking this would never happen to me. YA RIGHT!! Another thing that I couldn't understand is why Juno went over to the adoptive couples house all the time. Like why she would go talk to the adoptive dad, but now as I watched it from a new perspective I understood. It is so hard being alone and when she was wit him/them she would feel needed and loved. I used to be the same way and still do. I want to sometimes call Jesse and Jaymie randomly to talk because I feel like they are family to me. It's the weirdest feeling ever, but just true. I'm not an open person, but with them I sometimes just want to talk and talk and talk like I do with my mom sometimes. It's nice to feel needed and loved. They updated their blog for me tonight and I am very grateful!!!! I love looking at her cute pictures. It makes me so happy to see her and know she's happy.

So this past week my bestest friend and I have kinda been in a fight and basically I didn't want to talk to her for stupid reasons, but one of the main ones was that she forgets about what I am going through. I feel like everyone does. They all think since i'm acting fine and always smile that i'm fine. But I'm not. I mean ya I'm better about the whole thing, but it still hurts... A LOT!! I lost my daughter. I feel like she's dead. The pain is still there and will forever be there and its very frustrating when I feel as if people just forget. I don't like reminding them either because then I feel like I'm asking for pity, which i'm not. I really am fine, just tender. VERY TENDER. Especially this month. Henslee's court date is in 17 days and her sealing in 19. The pain gets a little bit stronger everyday as the date gets closer and closer... I am happy, but VERY SAD and nervous for what I am going to be like. I miss her so much and love her with all my heart. I know she's in a better place, but oh how I miss her with every inch of my heart and soul. She will live with me forever and ever! I never will have a day without the thought of her go through my mind. She is the reason why I wake up in the morning. She is my sunshine!