Well I've been having better days, but it still sucks, which i hear it does for a while. I don't know how I will ever be able to love again it feels like. I've been hanging out with some guy friends lately, and enjoying every minute of it. They are way sweet and funny. I even sometimes think I like one of them, but then when that thought of liking someone comes into my mind it quickly is erased by my past relationships. I get so scared it makes me sick to my stomach. I have had the worst past relationships anyone could have and to let someone in would take SO much effort on my part. I haven't really let anyone into this piece of me that is slowly dying. I try and hide it so that people won't think I'm a depressed retard. But It hurts! BAD! I'm wasting away by my own loneliness and secrets that I have been keeping from the world. I don't even think my best friend knows everything that I have in me. I keep this ball of pain hidden deep within my heart and don't know how to let anyone into that. This blog is helpful for me to explore the edges of this ball of pain, but to go into it would be scary. Maybe if I ignore it forever it will go away. That's what I'm trying to do.
Well anyways... I don't know how I am ever going to let someone into my world. I refuse to love again. Why have another heart ache? I just can't handle that...
Lindsey don't rule out anything yet. It's advised not to get into any serious relationships or make any major decisions until 6 months out from placement because you are so emotional raw right now. It will get better Lindsey, you won't ever be the same and you'll always miss her, but it will slowly but surely get better. Give it time and take care of yourself. Come on, you placed a baby for adoption! If you had the strength to do that then you can do anything in this world that you want to.
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