June 23, 2010

Well today has been a really really hard day!

It started this morning.Like at one in the morning. I was trying to go to bed, and i just could NOT sleep. For some reason I could not sleep!!! So my mind just started thinking. Today exactly 1 year ago is when I found out that I was pregnant. I reflected over that time and realized how hard that day was for me. I'm not going to write about it because I am trying to forget it and I'm hoping that if I don't write about it, it will just disappear. Sometimes I think I should do that with everything. Have it a completely closed adoption, i think that it's just so hard for me.
Well anyway. After I started thinking about things I starting crying, balling. So I got down on my knees and i prayed, I prayed for him to take my pain away. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I was on my knees for a while begging for him to take it away. I don't understand the atonement, but everyone keeps telling me that he can take away my pain. I don't know how, but if he can I sure wish he would. Finally at like two thirty, or three I fell asleep.
That morning I woke up crying again, so i went running. I ran to get the pain away, but the more i ran the more in pain i was physically so i had to stop. Then I showered and the time where i love to cry is the shower. so i did. After that I went to class (didn't focus, and have a test on Monday) and then got my hair done. While I was getting my hair done I got a text from Jaymie, saying that she got her court date. Hum... Oh happy day (sarcastically). What the hell am i supposed to say to that... Oh i'm so glad she gets to be sealed to ur family and not mine. YAY! :(
Something that I should mention about this is that last week when i went to see Henslee I asked if i could see her on the 7th because i had a feeling it would be hard for me because of the year thing. She said that they were going to be outta town.... So I was like well could maybe u send a picture that day or something then. She said yes. The week before that we talked about the court date, and i told them that that was really hard for me because i feel like it's going so fast and i have had no time to breathe really. So I had made it clear that: 7th = hard day, court date = bad. WHY would she said me the court date on the 7th????? WHATEVER!!!! When this happens it feels like I mean nothing to them. They say they love me well then show me by respecting my wishes. OH well, nothing i can do. I know i placed henslee there for a reason. Maybe I should just stop talking to them permanently and move on with my life away from them. From EVERYTHING! I want a fresh start. My heart will never move on though, my heart hurts. I'm so sick of this!!!!!!
The court date is June 23, at 9 am. It's funny how to a whole family this is going to be the best day ever, but to one little girl this is going to be the WORST day of her life. funny how life works.