why?

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's not a good thing when I think, but I have been.I miss her. I miss her A LOT!! My burden is heavy. My load seems too much to bare. Life is hard and I feel alone. None of my family or friends can even comprehend the hell that I am in and it is lonely at times. I hate the fact that Matt got out of this so easily. not nearly as much pain and hurt that I have. it's hard being alone.
Tonight I went goofy golfing with my boyfriend and I had a lot on my mind and he was kinda giving me a hard time about not playing well. I know it was all out of fun. but i was having a bad night and it hurt worse. Then I saw a mom holding a little baby in her arms. So gently and lovingly. I wanted my baby right then and there. I got mad at my boyfriend and took all my hurt out on him. I felt bad, but I was hurting. I still am hurting. I am in pain. My heart aches. I don't know what to do...
My mom thinks I'm not doing anything to get help. I am fine most of the time it's just every once in a while I get these spells of pain and hurt. I don't know where to turn. I hold it in, but eventually it comes out. I hurt... I miss her... I love her... I want her...
I started to talk to my mom about how I'm mad that Matt is going through any of this and it's just me and how he doesn't even call to check up on me. Or HER!!! How could he not care about her??!?!?! She is my everything and his nothing but yet she's his!!!! It hurts. This feeling of how he doesn't feel the same way about her that I do, but yet she is his just as much as mine. I don't know. I'm hurt. I want my baby. well anyways.. on with my story... MY mom kinda stood up for Matt. She's like well why did he stop talking to you and all this stuff and that pissed me off even more. because then that just shows that its ALL MY FAULT!
THIS WHOLE THING IS MY FAULT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH KNOWING THAT NONE OF THIS PAIN WOULD BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR MY STUPIDITY. is that not being able to forgive yourself? cuz i sure as hell can not let that go... I screwed up and am in HELL because I ruined everything. I always seem to ruin everything...