Update

Well time to update...
There is only one word to describe how I feel.. suck

I've been thinking and I am way jealous of Abraham. He was asked to sacrifice his son and how hard that would have been. But then an angel came and stopped him from doing it. Where is my angel? I want one of those to tell me that I can have my baby back and that for my willing to sacrifice I will receive many blessings! But no! I get no angel. I get a broken heart and pain. I hate this. I want an angel!!!

Another thing that sucks is that on sunday I saw a friend of mine who got a girl pregnant about the same time as me, but he decided to stay with her and get married like the prophets asked and I saw them on Sunday and he was holding his little boy so happy. WHY COULDN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?! It brakes my heart and tears me to pieces!I want Matt so bad still and he still doesn't want me. I want to be married to him and have my baby, but I will never. They are both gone. How could I ever be happy again?

Christmas

This years Christmas was a lonely Christmas. I missed my baby girl like no other. It was hard, but it was good. I went and saw her last night and held her from eight to midnight. That went well and I'm so glad that I went and held her. She had some super cute outfits on! I love her more and more daily. It felt not real when I was holding her. Like this whole week I have been looking at pictures and showing her off to people and just missing her so much and then I went and saw her and it was like I was in a dream.

I made Henslee a DVD of her and all the pictures of them and I in the hospital and out of the hospital. We watched it last night and it usually always makes me cry, but while she was in my arms I didn't cry. I love her...

My Baby!

I love my baby, I miss my baby...

My mom told me that she was not mine and I needed to accept it. I started balling and had a break down. She is mine. She has my DNA! How can she not be mine. She will forever have a place in my heart. I love her more than words can even express. She is my world, but yet she is gone. She is all i think about, but yet she is gone, life is worthless... I feel as if i'm still just going through the motions. I go with a smile, but i wish i could just cry most of the time. I do have good days though, but i still hurt and miss her. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I will get to see her. I count down the days til I get to see her next. When I'm with her is when im living. When im away is when I feel dead...

A New Blog

Jaymie made a Blog just for me with the story of my Princess's life in it. I thought that was so sweet of her.

We got everything cleared up and I am doing a lot better today since she's been born. I went and visited her last night and that made me so happy. She's been grumpy lately I guess. I feel bad for her and wish she was happy. I held her for a long time and she even got a warm bottle of breast milk last night with all the good stuff in it. I was so happy she was able to get that! I want her to have all the anti-bodies she can get!!! I love her more than anything and wish she was still with me, but I am happy she will still be happy with her parents and am glad she has a mom and a dad. I still blame Matt for this and don't like him for it right now, but hopefully one day will be able to forgive him.

I asked my friend the other night if he thinks I will ever find a husband and he told me that I would, but it would probably take time because I have had a baby and that's hard to get used to. I was very annoyed because it's true. Yes, she's technically not mine, but I have still had a baby and that is weird. I think I should've just kept her and then it would be the same results from guys. I hate guys. I never want to date again!!

Here's the newest picture I have of her from last night. I need more... I hopefully will get a full cd of a ton of pictures of her.

pictuers of MY Princess

NUMB

I never knew what it was like to just not care about anything until now. I try so hard to care, but I just don't. Matt asked me how I was doing today and the only word I can come up with is that I feel numb. I haven't cried today and that's a first. I am just in this trans it feels like. The book New Moon kind of helps with describing it. How when Edward left for weeks she wasn't fully there, but still going through the motions. I understand what that feels like now. I just don't care about anything. I pray at night for him to take me because I feel like I have completed my life. What else is there for me to do. I can't handle anymore heart ache. I just can't! I feel as if I don't even have a heart anymore. It is with my Henslee... I'm just numb.

I told Matt I hated him the other day. I decided it's his fault for this pain I'm feeling. We could be married and have our precious baby together. I care so much about him still and hate it because I just want to kill him at the same time. I HATE HIM!

So the couple is making me very annoyed as well... I was breast feeding henslee in the hospital because breast milk, to me, is very important. I want to give her this! It is something that I emotionally need to do for her. I need to give her this last little piece of me. It's probably is what keeps me going day to day. The couple knew that this was a huge concern of mine from day 1!!!!! They used my milk for a day and said it gave her a diaper rash and gave her diarrhea. So they decided not to use it! UH WAIT!!! HOW CAN THEY DO THAT TO ME!! they weren't even excited when I brought them milk the first time. I feel so unappreciated. It's like I went from meaning everything top them to nothing. And they aren't respecting my wishes. Breast milk is thinner then formula so of course she is going to have diarrhea and BABIES GET DIAPER RASHES!!! It's normal!!! Feed her my damn milk retards! I didn't choose you guys to not respect my wishes as a mother I chose you because I trusted that you would respect me and my baby.

Yes I know I'm hormonal, but I just needed to let that out there. I cared a ton about that yesterday, but like I said today I just went numb and have been going through the motions. I can't even get myself to text them back because I just don't care anymore. Take my baby. Leave me. I'm done.

belly

I never thought I would say this... but I miss my belly. :(

Rainy days and Mondays always get me Down

Henslee's first rainy day... I'm missing it :(
Henslee's first doctors apt... I missed it :(
Henslee is perfectly health the doctor says
My baby is perfect and I'm not there to see...

Matt is being a butthead. It really makes me so mad!
He asked Jesse and Jaymie to go and meet his parents last week and he didn't invite me. I have invited him to everything!!! Obviously my emotional needs mean nothing to him. Last night we went and visited them and had a good time. He loves her and I can tell. I asked him to go with me just to prove my point that I invite him to everything, I really didn't want him to go. I wanted to be with her. But he went and it wasn't so bad. It really sucks saying goodbye to her. I hate doing it. :( So then this morning I texted him and asked him if jesse and jaymie where keeping him updated on her events and he said yes and I was going to tell him that I didn't like that because I am the one that did EVERYTHING for nine months and all of a sudden he wants to be in her life! Uh I DON'T THINK SO!!!! Then he asks about the paternity test. UHHH I wanted to rip his head off!!!! He wants to see her, he wants to play with her, he wants to be updated, oh but he also DOESN'T THINK IT'S HIS! WOWOWOWOWOW! Can you say pathetic! MAN! How I hate boys!!!! He shouldn't be in her life unless I am there and he shouldn't talk to jesse and jaymie anymore. He should go through me. This is/was MY baby. He had no part in it except the fun part. AHHHH! I am so mad at him!
Also I hate that I can't call her mine anymore. I feel like she is mine, but she's not. Legally she's jesse and jaymie's. I hate that feeling. It hurts like no other. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest!!! I hate this! I absolutely hate this.

blah

Life sucks! I miss her! I love her! I cry a lot! don't know what to write because I'm scared ill cry more.... I don't like this. When does it get better?

She's here... then gone...

I had my baby on Dec. 2 2009 at 3:01 pm. She weighed 8lbs 12 oz. I signed my paper's to give her up for adoption on saturday dec. 5, 2009 at promptly 4:00pm. I help her in my arms and wished i could hold her for eternity, but I let her go because I love her more then anything in the world. I am going to go visit her again today. I miss her so much.

21 days!

21 days to go and I can't wait! I'm so tired lately and have been feeling way sick lately. I have had this forever cold and have been just miserable.
Yesterday Matt and I went out to lunch, kind of... we went to this place in scottsdale and walked around some outside boutique things. It was really cute and fun. Every where I go I always get "oh when are you due" and then I say Dec 12. They always say oh that's so soon! Good luck. I think it was weird for Matt to be there with me as I heard this. He would kind of turn his head like he wasn't listening. One person stopped us and said it was going to be a beautiful baby and we should be very happy for this new adventure. He smiled and said thank you. I said we were very excited for our little girl to come into this world. I wish he was excited for it. I wish he understood how hard this is for me.
Lately all my friends have been asking if I am nervous... I say extremely (which I totally am, I don't want to be in labor at all). Then they seem to always ask about if i'm nervous for the handing over part. To be honest I'm trying not to think about it. It scares me, but probably not as much as labor does. I think that it is going to be hard. Writing about it is making me think about it and now I'm getting way nervous. Can I do it? Well I know for sure I can't not do it. AHHH!!! My stake president and bishop are coming over tomorrow to give me a blessing because i am scared and I hope that it will comfort me and help me through this very difficult time.

bad dream again

I had another nightmare last night about Matt... I went to his house and told me that I loved him and begged him to be with me!! I wanted to start a family and be with him. I woke up at four with this dream in my head. I didn't want to go back to sleep because I didn't want to hurt again. I kind of wish my dream was real. I want to ask Matt one more time to be with me, but I'm to much of a scardey cat. Also I already have all these plans to be a nurse, give the baby to better parents then us, and just life. I don't know what to do. :( Just let life be...

Here's some pictures of the couple and I :)

36 weeks and counting

Last night was really fun. We went to Carrabba's then to0 my sister heather's house and played games. Jesse and My brother-in-laws played video games while the girls played Yahtzee! It was fun, but then I got really tired, really fast. I got home a little earlier then eleven and was exhausted!! Then I felt kind of sick and threw up. I was so tired and grumpy! All today I have been tired and grumpy as well. I hate being 36 weeks pregnant! I want her to come out NOW!! It's so annoying! I want to quit school because it is stressing me out. I have so much homework tomorrow! AHHHH!!! My brain hurts :(. Overall is was a good weekend though. It felt good to finally get out of my house and have a good time with people I love. I just wish I wasn't pregnant. I am getting more and more nervous for labor, but I can NOT wait to be NOT pregnant! It is a long nine months of back aches, feet pain, butt pain, stretch marks, ah and just ah! PAIN!!! I am so excited to get over this! I am going to miss my baby though :( She means the world to me and I wish she was mine. :( I wish I wasn't so grumpy today either. Hopefully my hormones will calm down tomorrow so I can be nice and in a better mood. I don't like being mean, but I just can'[t help it sometimes. AH!
Well I have some pictures of Jesse, Jaymie, and I, but I'll wait to put them up because I feel like I have too many pictures up. Tomorrow they are coming over for the doctors apt. I'm excited to see if she is going to be able to come early. haha!

DINNER

Exactly four weeks until my due date! I am going out to dinner tonight with my sister's and Jesse and Jaymie! I'm excited to show them off! And I get to meet Jaymie's brother and his wife! I can't wait! :) We are all going to CARRABBA's to eat dinner. J and J always pay for me. I feel bad. :( They should save the money for when my baby girl comes :) I love them to death and can't wait for my family to meet them.

pictures

Here's some more pictures I found

more crap

I have had so much I have wanted to write about, but so little time. I now have 5 weeks left to go, but it feels like forever :(. My doctor said I've gained too much wait, but I don't really care because Chocolate is my healer when my heart hurts. Jaymie came to the last doctor apt. with me which was on monday. I like it when she comes to see her baby. Jesse wants to come to the next one she said. I think that is so cute! I hope he does (even though my next visits are going to be checking the cervix). :) I hope he does come.
Jesse and Jaymie bought me a foot massage thingy because oh how my feet have been hurting!!! I really appreciate it and think they are just amazing!
I've been sick the past few days :( It really sucks having a cold, going to school, and being pregnant. Not just pregnant about to pop pregnant. haha
So I never really got to talk about Halloween on here. My halloween night was spent playing cards with my neighbor friend and my mommy. Great huh? My sister did join in later and I really enjoyed that. I hate not having a life. I wish that I had more friends to go out and do stuff with. I hope next year will be a little better. I miss my best friend Ami more than anything!!! I wish she would come home to me :(. My nephews birthday was two days after halloween and that was fun! I love having my family over and playing with my nephews (even though Dallin is the one that got me sick :(... ).
So I'm going to try and post some pictures. If I can figure it out. :)

Henslee L Maughn

So I personally hate looking at blogs without pictures on them. haha. So I am adding some pictures on here of my family. (to the right you have my mom and I at wicked. I have no make-up on :( )
Also last night I went to dinner with Jesse and Jaymie. I had a great time with them and am so thankful that I had something to do on a Friday night!!! I let them feel my stomach and feel her move. They get so excited. It is so cute! The more time I spend with them the easier it will be to let go of the most precious thing ever. I am growing to love Jesse and Jaymie more and more and know that I could never keep their baby girl from them (as hard as this is going to be). They told me the name that they picked last night, as well. It is so cute and so weird that she has a name. Her name is now Henslee L Maughn. The L stands for me :) but they are leaving it just as an L so that people will ask her what it stands for. I apprecitate that so much. I love little Henslee more then anything and can't wait to hold her in my arms. So here is one picture, I can't figure this blog thing out to be honest with you all so you only get one picture! :)
This is Cason, my cute little nephew, with a girls bow on that I gave to Jesse and Jaymie for Henslee to have. I think it's my cousins bow, but she left it here so it's my babies now! :) haha
I think he looks so cute! Just like a little girl! :)

A quote

This is a little quote I found....

In my arms I held

The most precious thing
Known to mankind

With ten little fingers

And ten little toes

Hair of brown and eyes of blue

So little and fragile

I didn't want to let go

As she looked up at me

With such uncertain eyes

She gave out a little cry

There I knew I had to let go

I placed her in the arms

Of one that could not bear her own

But could give her all I could not

This person I know will take great

Care of her

Her life will be happy and secure

This I trust with faith and love

She will grow to understand

It was out of love for her

That with a kiss on the cheek

I placed her in the arms

Of the one she will call mother

© Sharon Roberts

Nightmare!

Last night I had a nightmare about the adoptive couple I have chosen. They didn't let me see my baby girl. :( I konw that they would never do that, but man in my dream it was miserable! I wanted to see her and to hold her, but I couldn't. I guess that's how its going to feel a little bit. I know I'll be able to see her every once in a awhile, but not as much as I would like. :( Have I mentioned how much i miss her yet? Because I do!!!!
It was so cute! Today during my exam in anatomy she got the hiccups again. I was kind of annoyed because I was trying to take a test, but it made me giggle. I can't wait to hold her!! I love her with every piece of my broken heart!
It's also crazy how as soon as you make up your mind with something, everything possible happens to go against the choice you made. For example this adoption thing...
I thought about all the things I can do to keep this baby and it is possible for me to. Next semester all the classes that I want to take are all offered at night. This would be perfect! I could spend time with her all day and then take her to her dad's house at night when I go to school. It would work. But I can't and I won't. She deserve a mom and dad that live in the same house. :( As much as I want her! :( I hate this. Have a mentioned that yet??? I HATE THIS!

HICCUPS

I felt my baby hiccup for the first time last night as I was trying to sleep. I think it could have been annoying for me if I didn't miss her so much! I loved it actually because I knew she was there and actually like there! I don't know... But I was also really sad because I felt bad for her. She had them forever!! I wanted to help her, but I couldn't.... I felt bad. That probably sounds stupid. haha! Oh well I hope they don't hurt her or anything. She is so cute!
Oh and this friday Jaymie, Jesse and I are all going out to dinner! Can I tell you how excited I am?!? Well I am because I haven't seen them in forever and I love talking about our baby. :) I'll inform you on how that goes...

Slapping time

A want to slap Matt! I am hurting and miss him. Why did he have to use me? My sister made it very clear tonight that i sold my body! I was only used for sex. I hate him and this. I want to slap him across the face and tell him thanks for using me. Then leave. He hurt me! I can't handle it. Time for bed. I'm mad. Goodnight

...more pain

Still in pain. My stomach is just STRETCHING like no other! I think i got some precontractions the other night that hurt like a mother. I'm not excited for labor at all.

So Matt texted me the other day and said "How's our little girl doing" and can I just say it felt like a bullet in my heart. Why does he have to say it like that? I mean its good he's finally taking ownership of the child, but how he worded it just made me cry! I just want him to want her and be with her and me forever! I want to be his wife more then anything and can't stand him not being there. :(
I wore my hair tonight how he likes it which I haven't done since i've been pregnant because it makes me think of him. I just want to go over there and show him and tell him I love him and miss him! why can't i??!?!?!! I want him!

Today has been a very hard and emotional day. I work so hard at school for my grades and when I see no progress it just brakes my heart that I'm working so hard for nothing. It's just not fair!!!

I miss my baby!

RAndOm thoUGhtS

Still in pain :(
Mad Jesse and Jaymie haven't e-mailed me back yet
Don't want to study
love money
baby is in my ribs
I love her, but hate being pregnant
I need a massage
I miss my mommy
Want to stop working
Love showers
listening to a lecture about bile
Tired
Pregnant
want someone to cuddle with tonight
maybe a teddy bear
BORED
hate my phone
EXCATLY 2 MONTHS TIL I HAVE MY BABY!!!
Goodbye

The joys of pregnacy

I'm 31 weeks tomorrow and in pain! :( I woke up this morning with my back hurting so bad! I don't like that. I need a man to massage me, but know that's never going to happen. At birth mother's support group thingy they told us to make a list of the perfect guy that we want so that when we are dating we will know what to look for and what to stay away from. My number three is that he HAS TO be good at massages because my body kills when I'm pregnant. haha
I heard bloody noses were common during pregnancy. I hope that this is true because my nose bleed for a long time last night. I haven't had one of those since I was like ten. So that was weird. I have to go to the bathroom like double the amount I use to and my mouth is always dry it feels like. I never can drink enough water.
Little one in me moves like a million times more then usual which leaves me waking up in the middle of the night and readjusting. They say to sleep on your left side, but she likes my right side better so I switch every time I wake up (which is a lot).
Jaymie and Jesse e-mailed me 2 nights ago. It made me really happy to hear from them because I haven't talked to them since Matt and I went to dinner at their house. Jaymie said she wants to come to all my doctors appointments even though they are only like ten minutes. I can't tell you how happy I am that she wants to because it gives me more time to get to know her and makes me more comfortable that I am giving my baby to a good family. It is really hard when I we don't talk for a while because all these crazy emotions come telling me to keep her and it really hurts. :(
Oh ya and so I was tlaking to my friend the other day and they told me I didn't love my baby because I wanted to keep her. I wanted to punch them in the face. I was just telling him my feelings about it and how I wanted her and am so scared to do this and everything and he said you don't love her because yo want to keep her. I HATED him!!! I was like you have NO IDEA! I obviously love her because I'm TRYING to do whats right! It doesn't mean its the easiest thing for me. It just means that it's right. AHHH I don't even know what to say! but I was pisssed!!!! I love my baby more then anything in the world and thats why I want to keep her. But it is also the reason I am giving her to Jesse and Jaymie. Because she deserves way better.
Man I didn't mean to write that much. OOOPS :)

New Pictures

This is me at 7 months (29 weeks)! I can't believe how big I have gotten. Not going to mention any weight difference because I gained SOOO much! Oh well. She's going to be healthy. haha!

When your heart shatters I feel like it should make a sound.

So... time to let out some flames again. Last night Matt and I went over to Jesse and Jaymie's house for dinner. It was so good and I love them more and more every time I'm with them. They are just fantastic. I got to see the baby room and wow was it amazing! I can't wait for her to be with them and be able to have all her own things and have a mom and a dad. I love her so much and want the very very best for her.
The drive to their house is about an hour away so I got the pleasure to be in the car with Matt for two hours last night. In two hours of talking I realized how much I missed him. As soon as I got in my car to drive home the tears just flowed! I wanted to be with him again. I wanted him to hold me and be the father of our baby. He got to feel her kick last night and when he put his hand on my stomach the feelings I felt were intense. I wanted him to love her as much as me and be her father. Not only that I just wanted to be with him again. Even in like a year from now after we give the baby up what if we could get together again and be a couple? Why can't he love me!?
I told him that I didn't care if he stated dating again. I figure that if he finds someone then I'll have to let go right? I just miss him so much and want him with me, but if I can;t have him I want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy. He told me he's never going to get married, but I hope he does and I hope he finds that one person who will make him the most happiest, like he has made me. I never told him I love him because I don't know what love is. I feel like I'm starting to get a good idea of it though as I am having a child. I found out that love means more then the words. It's actions and sometimes being silent. Love is something that grows over time and is selfless. To put others before your own desires is love. I feel like I still have so much to learn about love though. I want to fall in love on day with a man that will take me to the temple. I hope I get my wish. I miss Matt more then anything and wish he would just be her dad, but I need to move on and let it go as much as I don't want to. :(

The phone call

So last night Matt called me to talk and see how I was doing. I thought that was very nice of him. I asked him how everything was with him and he said that it's fine. Then he tells me that one of my friends was not very nice to him over texting the day before. He said that she said that she didn't like the choices he made and he wasn't being very supportive of me and should try harder. I of course agree with her (Jamie) so I didn't know what to say. I did say that it wasn't her place and i'm sorry he got put in his place by her. I feel bad because I think he's having a hard time with this whole thing and I don't know if he could ever forgive himself. He is such a great guy and it would just kill me if he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. I wanted to then tell him that he is not being supportive, that he has no idea how many nights I lay in bed and cry, that I miss her so much already, or even how hard this is on me. I wish he knew so maybe he would try and be there more. I need a friend right now more then anything and he just doesn't see that because he's not there. I can't really control what he does though so I don't want to MAKE HIM. (Which I feel like i'm doing for everything.) I'm so mixed with feelings right now because I need him or somebody for that matter, but I don't want to make him.
Another thing is that I asked him how people were treating him. He then told me that no one in his ward knows. None of his roomates know. His family is being suppportive (when he talks to them, which is once a week, maybe). This just broke my heart. I'm stuck with EVERY single person I know knowing and he can just brush it off. I'm tryng to be the bigger person and say that its good so he can just move on with his life. But I also want to be the smaller person and say WHAT THE HECK!!!!! This is SO NOT FAIR! Why?! why can't I not "show" and just hide it so no one will see?! WHY ME!??!?!?! It is SOOO not fair! Thinking about it... even if people did know he would probably use a cop out "oh it might not even be mine" like he did with his family. AHHH!
An old friend of that family called my mom today and said how she just cried when then found out. It breaks my heart that all these people who have loved me for so long and cared for me are crying because of my mistake. I want to take it back. I never knew how many people I would effect when this happened. And if I could turn back time I would totally change what happened!

Princess

So last night as I lay in bed to fall asleep I kept felling my baby kick me so I put my hand where she was kicking and I felt her foot. It was so weird she pushed so hard I could feel the outline of it. It was so precious it made me cry. Then she kept kneeing me and so I felt like I could almost just grab her led. It was so cute and weird. She's so precious. I miss her so much :(

Adoption

Do you ever feel like you know your doing something right, but you just wish it wasn't. I don't like how life sometimes happens like that. I don't want to give up my baby, but I know I have to. I know those first days with her are going to be the hardest days of my life. I act strong, but I know I am no where near strong. I want my baby and I cry every time I think about giving her to someone else. I love the couple though and would never ever take her back, but it still is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. I miss her already and she's not even out of me yet. :(

I use to say that adoption was worse then your baby dying because the baby will never be yours with adoption, but with death you are promised that one day you will be able to raise that little one. I might have to change my mind though, because with death their gone forever. With adoption (open) there just around the corner and living, happily. You get to see them progress and live life. It still is the hardest thing in the world though.

MY STORY

I guess I didn't really start writing in my blog until after I found my family. I must add that before finding a family it was HELL. Your alone, your mad, sad, angry, just seriously every emotion possible is just running through your veins. You don't know what to do and honestly no one can help you. It is a scary hard process that you and only you can go through.
When I first found out I felt way more attached to the birth father then ever before. I wanted to be with him forever and work everything out. We were having a baby! The father had other plans though and so getting over that was the hardest thing to face. I just wanted to get married and keep my little girl forever. I didn't care about my future. I was a mother and that was where I was supposed to be. The birth father told me he wanted the baby to be put up for adoption. When the thought came I wasn't totally against it. I mean its better then abortion, right? Then after a day of thinking about that I was hit with WAIT THIS IS MY BABY! MY BABY! How could I dare give MY BABY to some stranger to raise it.!?!? I was so annoyed that we were thinking about it. I wanted to cut the birth fathers balls off!!! How could he want to give my/our child up for adoption!? Obviously he doesn't love her. He would try and marry me and work things out so that we could keep her if he loved her.
My heart broke everyday of my life as I was dealing with this. The only person that knew was Ami, my best friend. I didn't know what to do. I eventually had to tell my coach because I was missing practices and everyone was getting mad at me. It was hard to tell her. It's hard to tell anyone for that matter. She then proceeded to tell my team about a week later so they would stop being mean to me about missing practices. Then the person I dreading telling the most was going to have to find out.... my mom. We had been getting along a lot better then before and I didn't want her to know what a horrible daughter I had been. So I invited her to the bishops office with me that night for him to tell her because I just couldn't bare it. When he told her my heart sank, the tears came (as much as I was trying to hold them in), I couldn't look at her. I was embarrassed, scared, sad, and lonely. We finally got through it and I was so glad to get it off my chest. I didn't want my dad to know because I thought I might kill him, seriously. So I told her not to tell him yet. Then I went over to Matt's house so I wouldn't feel so alone. While we were watching a movie I got a phone call telling me that my mom told my dad and he wanted me to go home. I was so scared. I told them I wanted to sleep at Matt's and I wasn't coming home. Then my dad called almost in tears begging me to go home. So I did. I was so sad that I hurt them. I seem to always know how to push away the people I love most. I think I should start a bussiness to teach people how to since I'm pro at it.
After my parents found out it did start to get better. Now I could throw up and tell them and let them have pitty on me. Actually that pity didn't come for a long time. My mom felt like she should be mean to me while I was going through this so i could "get what I deserved kinda thing" I took her to the bishop again and made him tell her that I was going through enough and what she needed to do was just be supportive and be there for me. Not be mean to me. So she shapped up after that. THANK GOODNESS! It is so hard going through something like this. It just is HEART BREAKING. I think my heart has no peices left in it to be honest with you all. OH well...
Anyways I started getting sick people started finding out. Church was really hard to go to. Even though people didn't really know, it was the fact that I knew I was dirty and I didn't want to be in such a perfect place. It was really hard to force myself to go (still is for that matter). When the new semester started I was popping out already and my best friend was back at EA so I was all alone and lonely is how it still is. Then I finally decided after going back anf forth and crying my self to sleep at night and all the trips to the temple that I made that my baby was not mine and should be given to someone who could give her more then I could. Like a dad that loved her, and a temple marrrige. I wanted her to be sealed and have an eternal family. I know that the choice I made was right. Is it easy..? HELL NO. Is it right and will the Lord help me? I sure hope so :)

Cason!

First doctors apt. today with Jaymie! :) I'm so excited! I want her to feel her and play with her. I mean it is her's.
Anyways I found this picture and I thought it was funny because its proof that whenever I hold my nephew he cries. He just doesn't like me. not fair!

My baby girl

Last night I had a dream I was holding a baby girl. She was so precious, so clean, so pure, and best of all she was mine. Then I passed her along to someone else. Her mother who was going to raise her for me. My heart stopped. My tears flowed. I wanted her to be mine and just mine. Why did I have to hand over my precious girl to someone else. It hurt and it was only a dream. I love the parents I am giving my baby to more then anything, but is that going to stop the pain? Never. They deserve her so much more than I do, but is that going to stop the pain? No. I'm going to miss my princess more then anything in the world, but I know she is going to be in the best place possible. I love her so much already. I can't imagine the love I am going to fill when she comes out into life. I'm so sad I can't keep her, but happy that I feel peace.

Bad Day :(

Why does everything have to go wrong in my life? why? I swear it's one thing after another. I'm just feeling so down today. I meet with the family who I am giving my baby to last night and I was so happy and excited and I told them that they were going to receive my baby. The excitement in there faces was priceless. I am so happy for them, but today has just been a bad day emotionally. It's Friday and like normal I have absolutely nothing to do. So I prayed that someone would ask me to do something tonight. My answer came with a chance to babysit. Wow what an answer to pray. Maybe I should be more pacific to get a better response. I mean I asked for a friend. I need a friend not another job!!! I work to much, my room is so messy because I am never home to organize it! I need a friend and a life! I hate mine. :(

Boys being boys :(

So I need to let out some steam...
Why in the world do girls have to have the babies?
My answer: Because men are wusses and can't handle the pain!
The get the easy part. They get to go out and do whatever they want while the woman is stuck at home not doing anything because she's pregnant!
Also men are LIARS! They will tell you that they are doing one thing and then BAM you find out their not! Liars!!!
For example: Matt told me that he won't go on any dates with girls for nine months. That he'll be there if I ever need him. So on and so on....LIES!!!
Labor day weekend: He decides to go to Pine top. I of course don't ask who with because he has already told me he doesn't really hang out with anyone anymore and so I stupidly assume family, or maybe some close guy friends, but NOOOO! He's up there with lots of girls!!!!!!!!!
This is just so unfair that I sit at home every weekend because I am 6 months pregnant. AND another thing that pisses me off is that none of his friends know that he is having a kid, so he gets to go do whatever the freak he wants!!!! UH!!!! I'm so annoyed right now!!!!!
I have never felt more used in my life!
It still is a sharp knife whenever I think of the words he used to tell me goodbye...
I don't love you, It was all just for fun... blah blah blah! UH!!! I'm so mad right now!!!
OH and P.S. That man has never been here for me through this whole thing. I try and call him when I need a friend and he's always doing something else!

My week

WOW!! I have been going crazy this week. First of all I was staying with three little boogers from Friday until late Sunday night when their parents came home. Then on Monday I stayed with this boy while his parents were out of town! THIS BOY DROVE ME MAD!! I love him to pieces, but am so glad I am done with that!!!! Now I'm finally home and relaxing, for the time being, because soon I will have to start my huge pile of homework! I really don't want to, but oh well.

Temple!

Ami (my best friend) and I went to the temple and took some pictures. I love the temple!

School

I decided I wanted a blog because I'm bored. Tomorrow school starts and I'm not very excited. I'm extremely nervous. I have very hard classes and hope that all my teachers will work with me. I'm probably freaking my baby out. I'm just so nervous though. I want to be able to go to school so that I after I have her I can have more things done with in case I keep her. I want my baby so bad! I want to hold her and most of all I want her to love me and call me mother. Anyways... I am very nervous for school and all my classes. I hope I don't into labor at school. That would really stink. :( I hope she will be okay through all the stress I know I will have.