!! LIFE SAVER !!

Last week I was having a really hard week. On Wed. I got asked to go sign a paper for Henslee and when I looked at it it tore my heart open again. The wound that was slowly sealing was ripped open and hurting. I know it's no ones fault for that, but man did it hurt. I cried and cried and cried that night. I called Jaymie because I needed to see her. I haven't asked them for a visit out of the blue until that night. I needed it so bad. I needed to hold her in my arms and know that I did the right thing. I miss her with every inch of my body and it feels like it hurts me more then it does for some other girls that have done this. My non-mormon friends all told me that I would never be able to place her because I am a person who keeps people close to her heart and is a warmhearted person. I told them that even though I didn't want to I was doing it for her not me. I dunno if the other girls are like that, but all i know is that I am hurting and the place I feel is so deep with sorrow it's frightening. I get up and do things day to day because I want to move on, I don't sit and mope in my misery. I get out and do things, but it doesn't stop the hurt. Everyone says time heals, but why can't time speed the heck up!!! Anyways, back to my story... So I called Jaymie and she was SOOOO sweet to me!!! She told me that I was more then welcome to come over and she was so happy that I called!!!! I was so excited to hear that!!! I went right over in the morning. Henslee was all smily and happy to see me!!! It was soooo cute!!! I love her smile!!! She looks JUST LIKE MATT!! It's crazy!!! I held her so tight!!! I love her sOOOOSSOOSOO much!!! words can not even explain how I feel about her! She is my hero and my everything. I sometimes think that maybe I should stop seeing her, but on thursday when I saw her it gave me hope and renewal that I needed so BAD!!! I love her so much and wish she knew me the way i know her.

This song is for Matt

I was listening to my sister's i-pod today and I found this amazing song that is for Matt... I am going to change the name to Matt...

Matt is over and Matt is gone
Matt's decided it's time to move on
Matt has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Matt arrived at the end of the line
Matt's convinced that the problems are mine
Matt is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Matthew?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Matthew
What about you
Matt is sure something wonderful died
Matt decides it's his right to decide
Matt's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Matt
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Matt is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm Still Hurting

why?

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's not a good thing when I think, but I have been.I miss her. I miss her A LOT!! My burden is heavy. My load seems too much to bare. Life is hard and I feel alone. None of my family or friends can even comprehend the hell that I am in and it is lonely at times. I hate the fact that Matt got out of this so easily. not nearly as much pain and hurt that I have. it's hard being alone.
Tonight I went goofy golfing with my boyfriend and I had a lot on my mind and he was kinda giving me a hard time about not playing well. I know it was all out of fun. but i was having a bad night and it hurt worse. Then I saw a mom holding a little baby in her arms. So gently and lovingly. I wanted my baby right then and there. I got mad at my boyfriend and took all my hurt out on him. I felt bad, but I was hurting. I still am hurting. I am in pain. My heart aches. I don't know what to do...
My mom thinks I'm not doing anything to get help. I am fine most of the time it's just every once in a while I get these spells of pain and hurt. I don't know where to turn. I hold it in, but eventually it comes out. I hurt... I miss her... I love her... I want her...
I started to talk to my mom about how I'm mad that Matt is going through any of this and it's just me and how he doesn't even call to check up on me. Or HER!!! How could he not care about her??!?!?! She is my everything and his nothing but yet she's his!!!! It hurts. This feeling of how he doesn't feel the same way about her that I do, but yet she is his just as much as mine. I don't know. I'm hurt. I want my baby. well anyways.. on with my story... MY mom kinda stood up for Matt. She's like well why did he stop talking to you and all this stuff and that pissed me off even more. because then that just shows that its ALL MY FAULT!
THIS WHOLE THING IS MY FAULT. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH KNOWING THAT NONE OF THIS PAIN WOULD BE HERE IF IT WASN'T FOR MY STUPIDITY. is that not being able to forgive yourself? cuz i sure as hell can not let that go... I screwed up and am in HELL because I ruined everything. I always seem to ruin everything...

WHY DID HE TAKE MY DAUGHTER! WHY DID HE TAKE MY HENSLEE...
I'M ANGRY TONIGHT. I'VE HAD A ROUGH FEW DAYS WITH A FRIEND OF MINE AND AM HURTING. I WANT MY BABY BACK. I AM PISSED OFF THAT HER COURT DATE GOT MOVED UP TO APRIL! I'M NOT READY FOR THAT. I'M STILL HURTING. WHERE IS MY HEALER? MY FRIEND? I'M IN PAIN.

New Pictures... I don't have enough :(

3 months

Henslee is now three months.
I thought I was doing really well and everything was going as good as it gets, but then on her three months I went downward... It's been a roller coaster again. I am sad and emotional these past few days and I'm not even PMSing! I was last week, and I was really sad, but not as sad as I have been this week. I can't believe she's growing up so fast. It feels like yesterday when I held her in my arms so tight wishing I didn't have to let go. Hoping that the Lord would send my angel telling me it was just a test and I don't really have to do it. But no angel came. 3 months ago today I left the hospital holding her then when we got to my house I let her go home. MY ONE REGRET... I wish with all my heart I would've kept her for that one night. That ONE night while she was still MINE!!! I regret that so much!!!!
HENSLEE IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH I MISSED AND LOVED YOU!!! IF YOU ONLY KNEW!!!
I decided to watch this DVD I made of her last night to celebrate her 3 months. I think every month I'm going to do that. I wish she was with me! I'm hurting...