I've seen better days

Well........
I get to go see Little Miss Henslee tomorrow and I CAN'T WAIT!!! but i'm way nervous because i'm pmsing and am scared that if Henslee cries again when i hold her i will just start crying. I'm sitting here typing this and crying thinking about it!!!! I want her to know me and know that I LOVE HER more then anything in the world. I wish she would know that. I hope one day she will know that. I love her. I'm scared for the future.

I have been getting so many blessings lately. I know the Lord is mindful of me, but i still have this huge hole in my heart. I wish there was a plug i could put into it.

momma's girl

Henslee cries when i hold her.
She only wants to be in her moms arms
She doesn't remember me.
It hurts... :(
I miss her.
I wish she could remember my voice
I sometimes think that she's so clingy because of me. Like she didn't hear my familiar voice for a while when she went home with Jesse and Jaymie so now she's scared that she is going to be taken away from them. It's all my fault for everything. Oh how I wish she was still in my arms. I wish she would cry to come back to my arms. I know she is not mine. It just hurts....

Life is going well for me and I know that there will be a happier ending for me one day, but right now i'm hurting.

The big ball of pain

Well I've been having better days, but it still sucks, which i hear it does for a while. I don't know how I will ever be able to love again it feels like. I've been hanging out with some guy friends lately, and enjoying every minute of it. They are way sweet and funny. I even sometimes think I like one of them, but then when that thought of liking someone comes into my mind it quickly is erased by my past relationships. I get so scared it makes me sick to my stomach. I have had the worst past relationships anyone could have and to let someone in would take SO much effort on my part. I haven't really let anyone into this piece of me that is slowly dying. I try and hide it so that people won't think I'm a depressed retard. But It hurts! BAD! I'm wasting away by my own loneliness and secrets that I have been keeping from the world. I don't even think my best friend knows everything that I have in me. I keep this ball of pain hidden deep within my heart and don't know how to let anyone into that. This blog is helpful for me to explore the edges of this ball of pain, but to go into it would be scary. Maybe if I ignore it forever it will go away. That's what I'm trying to do.
Well anyways... I don't know how I am ever going to let someone into my world. I refuse to love again. Why have another heart ache? I just can't handle that...

the truth

Hum.. Where to begin...
I am in hell. I hate my life and wish i was dead. I have been living in hell for weeks now and don't know where to run. School started this week and I have no motivation what so ever. It's gone. Everything is gone. There is not one thing in this world that can keep me going. But for some reason I have not killed myself. I would like to very much, but know that it will not help because then I would have to confront my friends and family up there and say I failed. I guess that is what is keeping me alive. I'm scared of dying. I don't want to be here though. I cry every time I get in my car by myself because I like to hide my feelings from the world. I wish I was better at expressing my emotions/feelings, but I am not. I like to hide and wish i could run away from everything. I lost my man, my best friends, and my baby. Life has no meaning to me. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about my losses and wish i was somewhere else so i could cry and cry and cry. I need a hand to hold to get me through this but there is none there. I need someone who i can tell i feel like shit and want to die and have them rush to my side and hold me. But i don't. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE ABSENCE OF EVERYTHING THAT ONCE WAS.
I saw my baby the last night and she is beautiful. She has her father's eyes which is what I wanted for her to have SOOO bad. I prayed for her to get his eyes, but now that she does and he's gone I wish she didn't. I wish she had mine because she has nothing of mine. She looks like the man that didn't want her. The man that left her and her birth mom to do everything themselves. When I look at her it kills me to see him. I wanted him, I wanted her. I never seem to get what I want or what I need, because right now I need something. Someone. But I don't have anything. I'm alone and with that comes pain. I pray still every night that He will just take me so I don't have to wake up the next morning in pain. But i'm still here. Wishing I wasn't.

when?

My Life in a nut shell...

My best 2 friends ditched me tonight and were rude to me last night.

The love of my life was on a date tonight with another girl.

My Family is mad at me and forgot that I placed only a month ago and to give me a break!

My baby is gone.

When are the blessings going to come?
when?

Update

Well time to update...
There is only one word to describe how I feel.. suck

I've been thinking and I am way jealous of Abraham. He was asked to sacrifice his son and how hard that would have been. But then an angel came and stopped him from doing it. Where is my angel? I want one of those to tell me that I can have my baby back and that for my willing to sacrifice I will receive many blessings! But no! I get no angel. I get a broken heart and pain. I hate this. I want an angel!!!

Another thing that sucks is that on sunday I saw a friend of mine who got a girl pregnant about the same time as me, but he decided to stay with her and get married like the prophets asked and I saw them on Sunday and he was holding his little boy so happy. WHY COULDN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?! It brakes my heart and tears me to pieces!I want Matt so bad still and he still doesn't want me. I want to be married to him and have my baby, but I will never. They are both gone. How could I ever be happy again?

Christmas

This years Christmas was a lonely Christmas. I missed my baby girl like no other. It was hard, but it was good. I went and saw her last night and held her from eight to midnight. That went well and I'm so glad that I went and held her. She had some super cute outfits on! I love her more and more daily. It felt not real when I was holding her. Like this whole week I have been looking at pictures and showing her off to people and just missing her so much and then I went and saw her and it was like I was in a dream.

I made Henslee a DVD of her and all the pictures of them and I in the hospital and out of the hospital. We watched it last night and it usually always makes me cry, but while she was in my arms I didn't cry. I love her...