the truth

Hum.. Where to begin...
I am in hell. I hate my life and wish i was dead. I have been living in hell for weeks now and don't know where to run. School started this week and I have no motivation what so ever. It's gone. Everything is gone. There is not one thing in this world that can keep me going. But for some reason I have not killed myself. I would like to very much, but know that it will not help because then I would have to confront my friends and family up there and say I failed. I guess that is what is keeping me alive. I'm scared of dying. I don't want to be here though. I cry every time I get in my car by myself because I like to hide my feelings from the world. I wish I was better at expressing my emotions/feelings, but I am not. I like to hide and wish i could run away from everything. I lost my man, my best friends, and my baby. Life has no meaning to me. I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about my losses and wish i was somewhere else so i could cry and cry and cry. I need a hand to hold to get me through this but there is none there. I need someone who i can tell i feel like shit and want to die and have them rush to my side and hold me. But i don't. I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE ABSENCE OF EVERYTHING THAT ONCE WAS.
I saw my baby the last night and she is beautiful. She has her father's eyes which is what I wanted for her to have SOOO bad. I prayed for her to get his eyes, but now that she does and he's gone I wish she didn't. I wish she had mine because she has nothing of mine. She looks like the man that didn't want her. The man that left her and her birth mom to do everything themselves. When I look at her it kills me to see him. I wanted him, I wanted her. I never seem to get what I want or what I need, because right now I need something. Someone. But I don't have anything. I'm alone and with that comes pain. I pray still every night that He will just take me so I don't have to wake up the next morning in pain. But i'm still here. Wishing I wasn't.

when?

My Life in a nut shell...

My best 2 friends ditched me tonight and were rude to me last night.

The love of my life was on a date tonight with another girl.

My Family is mad at me and forgot that I placed only a month ago and to give me a break!

My baby is gone.

When are the blessings going to come?
when?

Update

Well time to update...
There is only one word to describe how I feel.. suck

I've been thinking and I am way jealous of Abraham. He was asked to sacrifice his son and how hard that would have been. But then an angel came and stopped him from doing it. Where is my angel? I want one of those to tell me that I can have my baby back and that for my willing to sacrifice I will receive many blessings! But no! I get no angel. I get a broken heart and pain. I hate this. I want an angel!!!

Another thing that sucks is that on sunday I saw a friend of mine who got a girl pregnant about the same time as me, but he decided to stay with her and get married like the prophets asked and I saw them on Sunday and he was holding his little boy so happy. WHY COULDN'T THAT HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!?!?! It brakes my heart and tears me to pieces!I want Matt so bad still and he still doesn't want me. I want to be married to him and have my baby, but I will never. They are both gone. How could I ever be happy again?

Christmas

This years Christmas was a lonely Christmas. I missed my baby girl like no other. It was hard, but it was good. I went and saw her last night and held her from eight to midnight. That went well and I'm so glad that I went and held her. She had some super cute outfits on! I love her more and more daily. It felt not real when I was holding her. Like this whole week I have been looking at pictures and showing her off to people and just missing her so much and then I went and saw her and it was like I was in a dream.

I made Henslee a DVD of her and all the pictures of them and I in the hospital and out of the hospital. We watched it last night and it usually always makes me cry, but while she was in my arms I didn't cry. I love her...

My Baby!

I love my baby, I miss my baby...

My mom told me that she was not mine and I needed to accept it. I started balling and had a break down. She is mine. She has my DNA! How can she not be mine. She will forever have a place in my heart. I love her more than words can even express. She is my world, but yet she is gone. She is all i think about, but yet she is gone, life is worthless... I feel as if i'm still just going through the motions. I go with a smile, but i wish i could just cry most of the time. I do have good days though, but i still hurt and miss her. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that I will get to see her. I count down the days til I get to see her next. When I'm with her is when im living. When im away is when I feel dead...

A New Blog

Jaymie made a Blog just for me with the story of my Princess's life in it. I thought that was so sweet of her.

We got everything cleared up and I am doing a lot better today since she's been born. I went and visited her last night and that made me so happy. She's been grumpy lately I guess. I feel bad for her and wish she was happy. I held her for a long time and she even got a warm bottle of breast milk last night with all the good stuff in it. I was so happy she was able to get that! I want her to have all the anti-bodies she can get!!! I love her more than anything and wish she was still with me, but I am happy she will still be happy with her parents and am glad she has a mom and a dad. I still blame Matt for this and don't like him for it right now, but hopefully one day will be able to forgive him.

I asked my friend the other night if he thinks I will ever find a husband and he told me that I would, but it would probably take time because I have had a baby and that's hard to get used to. I was very annoyed because it's true. Yes, she's technically not mine, but I have still had a baby and that is weird. I think I should've just kept her and then it would be the same results from guys. I hate guys. I never want to date again!!

Here's the newest picture I have of her from last night. I need more... I hopefully will get a full cd of a ton of pictures of her.

pictuers of MY Princess