March 15, 2013

I decided I wanted to write a small example of how many times a day I think about my princess.

Yesterday: I woke up and saw her picture sitting on the desk as I left. Got in the car and headed to work. Thought about my friend who just had her baby that made my thoughts turn to Henslee. Got to work and they talked about having a mother's day party in May. The first thought was I need to take that day off, and I wanted to cry. I didn't though. I held strong and just walked away. No one at work knows I had a baby so therefore I am a mother. There's a girl I work with who is pregnant and she always talks about her pregnancy and I have to pretend I have no idea what it feels like. So basically Henslee is with me at work all day! I sometimes hold my kids at work extra hard because I pretend they are her and I can hold her close to me. Then that night we went out to dinner and I was thinking about calling Jaymie and ask how she was, but I didn't. Then to the school for Jared to go to a class and I listened to music and scrapbooked. Henslee is in every song I listen to. She's my love, my hurt, my happiness and sadness. She is always with me and I love her more than anything!

This is my typical day of thinking of her. She will always be on my mind! :)

I never left her!

Tonight I am crying. Tonight I am sad! Today 3 years ago I signed the papers to place my beautiful little girl for adoption. Every day since has been a struggle. I am a mother who is grieving. People think that I am not, because it was a choice, but I am!!!! The worst part about everything is that I know she's where she is supposed to be. That is something that should give comfort, but how can it when all I wanted was to be her mom and it wasn't what i was supposed to do.

I want to make it very clear thought that I DID NOT leave my child. I placed my child with parents who were supposed to be her parents. I DID NOT LEAVE HER or will I ever leave her. I will be here for her til the day I die! She is apart of me forever and for always no matter what!!!! I don't understand who could leave their child or children for drugs, money, ect., It just breaks my hearts for those children, but I am not a mother who left her child for any of that. I am a mother who feels like her child passed away at birth. I feel like I had this beautiful baby girl for 3 days that I will treasure so close to my heart and then that child went to where she was supposed to be and is now not my child. My child never left the hospital that day. But are not all children God's children? They all have a plan that is set out for them and parents are just guides to get them where they need to be.

Here's some lyrics that help express my feelings just a little bit because feelings for me are so hard to express:
"I'll start out by saying that my heart is breaking, but that wouldn't truly convay the depth of my feeling there's no use concealing the things i don't know how to say.
You'll be leaving and i'll be grieving. A dream that never will be.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me.
When this decision made such a revision in plans i held tightly before my fear was that it wasn't clear to me that giving you up was really giving you more
Because anyone loving you more than i already do was hard to believe.
It's a hard test when whats really best when whats really best for you is hardest to me.
It's a taste of the bitter that lets us know better by one suffered in Gethsemane.
It's a hard test when whats best for you is hardest for me!"

Tonight i grabbed my stomach wishing you were in there again because then you would be close to me. I miss you little miss and hope your sleeping well tonight. You are on my mind just like every night.

Pictures!

My birthday visit back in may. We got some professional ones done a few weeks ago but I dont have them yet. soon :)

i love you little one

Dear Henslee,
I have so many unpublished posts on here I didn't want people to see. I might not even publish this. Depends what comes from my brain tonight. I love you more then words can say. I miss you every day! I want you in my life every day. I don't like writing my feelings because Jesse and Jaymie are amazing parents and I wouldn't want anything to change I just still have this hole in my heart. I probably don't even make sense. I'm sitting here listening to music thinking of you. Every song no matter what its about reminds me of you. I'm in a crowded room but feel so alone wanting to cry. I just pictured you running up to me calling me mama, but your not. To have you with me would be the best gift ever, but I know your where you need to be. Where Heavenly Father told me to put you. I'm holding back the tears as I see your beautiful face in my mind. I saw you a week ago tomorrow and that was so good seeing you. You are growing up! Your so big and getting so smart. You may have special qualities, but I think you are the smartest almost 3 year old in the world!!! Less then a month til your 3! Wow! Hens... You are so beautiful! You make my smile bigger then anyone else.

Henslee I have tried so hard to slowly not see you. I have slowly tried to let go. It sometimes feels better to not see you, but I can't let you go. Not fully. I don't think I'll ever let you leave my life. I'll always be there for you and your parents if you need anything!! Your parents are going through some stuff right now and they have such a positive perspective. I am so happy you have them to hug and kiss you goodnight. But I promise there isn't a night that I hold my teddy bear and kiss it and tell it "good night henslee." And if that teddy isn't with me I pray as hard as I can to have an angel hold you. I know there are angels that help you through your day because I pray for that every night! It comforts me to picture one of them holding you and rocking you. Your parents do an amazing job, but sometimes when they are not there you have angels surrounding you.

I seriously couldn't be more grateful for everything your parents do and have done.
I haven't posted in a while because I am terrified to offend anyone with my words, because I know I have before.
I just still hurt and miss her. I always will. and I like to write about it. It comforts me.

4th of July

This is Henslee with her new baby brother Nixon who id my best friends birth son. I'm so glad she has a little brother now :)

Henslee has been in Utah since the end of June which has been so sad for me :( I have missed her so much!!! Jared and I actually went to Utah for the fourth of July to visit his family and ended up I got to stop by her grandparents house for a short 10 minutes so i could see her in her cute 4th of July outfit!!!! She is so perfect no matter what anyone else says!

Life after a change!!

I know I stopped writing on the blog because I said that I've moved on in my life and most of my healing was over and then I started a new blog of Jared (my husband) and I's life together. But I do want to write more on this blog. I will never fully be healed with the loss of my daughter. I miss her even still today. I always think about her. I always want to hold her and be with her. I am so greatful that she has her mom and dad though. I would never EVER take it back, but it doesn't mean that I don't miss her. Because I do. I miss her a ton!!!!
So much has happened in the past 6-7 months. I got married, Henslee turned 1, then 1 1/2, she's growing up so much!! Marriage has been so fun, but has brought on a lot of feelings that I wasn't aware that I still had. I've had to really look deep inside me and figure out who I am through marriage. I love my husband so much and couldn't ask for a better man, but with all that I have been through in my life marriage can sometimes be a challenge. But man am I grateful for that!! It has made me grow up so much more!!!! Jared and I are crazy about one other and I would do anything for him and him me!!!!!
Another change that has happened in my life is of course Henslee :) My favorite little girl in the WHOLE world!!!!! She keeps growing up!! I love seeing how she moves and grows to look like Matt and I! She is just so happy all the time!!! she got a new little brother!!! Which I am so glad! she loves him so much!!! She is now 19 months!!! It has been a struggle though because we have found out that she isn't "normal". It breaks my heart to know that, but she is struggling to grow up as a normal little girl. She's been really slow in her development. She got glasses because she's practically blind. She barely started to crawl and now she loves to crawl. But she still doesn't walk. She is getting better and stronger everyday but it is a struggle for her. It breaks my heart. I love her so much!!!




This was Henslee's first birthday :)



More of Henslee's Birthday :)
We celebrated it ALL week!!! We went to the Zoo and out to dinner, she has a wonderful birthday party at the park, and we did a photo shoot!!! Greatest week EVER!!



This is Christmas time!!! Olesia is Nixon's birthmom. She also is one of my best friends! I am so glad that we get to share a wonderful family! This is us together at christmas time.
I have so many pictures I don't even know which ones to put on!!!

ALMOST A YEAR!

Henslee is a year in less then 2 weeks!!! It's crazy to think how fast time flies! She can crawl now and is so cute!! I miss her so much but am so happy she has the GREATEST parents EVER!! I love Jesse and Jaymie more then anything! They have blessed my life in so many ways! I am so grateful for them and couldn't have asked for better parents to raise Henslee!!!