...more pain

Still in pain. My stomach is just STRETCHING like no other! I think i got some precontractions the other night that hurt like a mother. I'm not excited for labor at all.

So Matt texted me the other day and said "How's our little girl doing" and can I just say it felt like a bullet in my heart. Why does he have to say it like that? I mean its good he's finally taking ownership of the child, but how he worded it just made me cry! I just want him to want her and be with her and me forever! I want to be his wife more then anything and can't stand him not being there. :(
I wore my hair tonight how he likes it which I haven't done since i've been pregnant because it makes me think of him. I just want to go over there and show him and tell him I love him and miss him! why can't i??!?!?!! I want him!

Today has been a very hard and emotional day. I work so hard at school for my grades and when I see no progress it just brakes my heart that I'm working so hard for nothing. It's just not fair!!!

I miss my baby!

RAndOm thoUGhtS

Still in pain :(
Mad Jesse and Jaymie haven't e-mailed me back yet
Don't want to study
love money
baby is in my ribs
I love her, but hate being pregnant
I need a massage
I miss my mommy
Want to stop working
Love showers
listening to a lecture about bile
Tired
Pregnant
want someone to cuddle with tonight
maybe a teddy bear
BORED
hate my phone
EXCATLY 2 MONTHS TIL I HAVE MY BABY!!!
Goodbye

The joys of pregnacy

I'm 31 weeks tomorrow and in pain! :( I woke up this morning with my back hurting so bad! I don't like that. I need a man to massage me, but know that's never going to happen. At birth mother's support group thingy they told us to make a list of the perfect guy that we want so that when we are dating we will know what to look for and what to stay away from. My number three is that he HAS TO be good at massages because my body kills when I'm pregnant. haha
I heard bloody noses were common during pregnancy. I hope that this is true because my nose bleed for a long time last night. I haven't had one of those since I was like ten. So that was weird. I have to go to the bathroom like double the amount I use to and my mouth is always dry it feels like. I never can drink enough water.
Little one in me moves like a million times more then usual which leaves me waking up in the middle of the night and readjusting. They say to sleep on your left side, but she likes my right side better so I switch every time I wake up (which is a lot).
Jaymie and Jesse e-mailed me 2 nights ago. It made me really happy to hear from them because I haven't talked to them since Matt and I went to dinner at their house. Jaymie said she wants to come to all my doctors appointments even though they are only like ten minutes. I can't tell you how happy I am that she wants to because it gives me more time to get to know her and makes me more comfortable that I am giving my baby to a good family. It is really hard when I we don't talk for a while because all these crazy emotions come telling me to keep her and it really hurts. :(
Oh ya and so I was tlaking to my friend the other day and they told me I didn't love my baby because I wanted to keep her. I wanted to punch them in the face. I was just telling him my feelings about it and how I wanted her and am so scared to do this and everything and he said you don't love her because yo want to keep her. I HATED him!!! I was like you have NO IDEA! I obviously love her because I'm TRYING to do whats right! It doesn't mean its the easiest thing for me. It just means that it's right. AHHH I don't even know what to say! but I was pisssed!!!! I love my baby more then anything in the world and thats why I want to keep her. But it is also the reason I am giving her to Jesse and Jaymie. Because she deserves way better.
Man I didn't mean to write that much. OOOPS :)

New Pictures

This is me at 7 months (29 weeks)! I can't believe how big I have gotten. Not going to mention any weight difference because I gained SOOO much! Oh well. She's going to be healthy. haha!

When your heart shatters I feel like it should make a sound.

So... time to let out some flames again. Last night Matt and I went over to Jesse and Jaymie's house for dinner. It was so good and I love them more and more every time I'm with them. They are just fantastic. I got to see the baby room and wow was it amazing! I can't wait for her to be with them and be able to have all her own things and have a mom and a dad. I love her so much and want the very very best for her.
The drive to their house is about an hour away so I got the pleasure to be in the car with Matt for two hours last night. In two hours of talking I realized how much I missed him. As soon as I got in my car to drive home the tears just flowed! I wanted to be with him again. I wanted him to hold me and be the father of our baby. He got to feel her kick last night and when he put his hand on my stomach the feelings I felt were intense. I wanted him to love her as much as me and be her father. Not only that I just wanted to be with him again. Even in like a year from now after we give the baby up what if we could get together again and be a couple? Why can't he love me!?
I told him that I didn't care if he stated dating again. I figure that if he finds someone then I'll have to let go right? I just miss him so much and want him with me, but if I can;t have him I want him to be happy and find someone to make him happy. He told me he's never going to get married, but I hope he does and I hope he finds that one person who will make him the most happiest, like he has made me. I never told him I love him because I don't know what love is. I feel like I'm starting to get a good idea of it though as I am having a child. I found out that love means more then the words. It's actions and sometimes being silent. Love is something that grows over time and is selfless. To put others before your own desires is love. I feel like I still have so much to learn about love though. I want to fall in love on day with a man that will take me to the temple. I hope I get my wish. I miss Matt more then anything and wish he would just be her dad, but I need to move on and let it go as much as I don't want to. :(

The phone call

So last night Matt called me to talk and see how I was doing. I thought that was very nice of him. I asked him how everything was with him and he said that it's fine. Then he tells me that one of my friends was not very nice to him over texting the day before. He said that she said that she didn't like the choices he made and he wasn't being very supportive of me and should try harder. I of course agree with her (Jamie) so I didn't know what to say. I did say that it wasn't her place and i'm sorry he got put in his place by her. I feel bad because I think he's having a hard time with this whole thing and I don't know if he could ever forgive himself. He is such a great guy and it would just kill me if he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. I wanted to then tell him that he is not being supportive, that he has no idea how many nights I lay in bed and cry, that I miss her so much already, or even how hard this is on me. I wish he knew so maybe he would try and be there more. I need a friend right now more then anything and he just doesn't see that because he's not there. I can't really control what he does though so I don't want to MAKE HIM. (Which I feel like i'm doing for everything.) I'm so mixed with feelings right now because I need him or somebody for that matter, but I don't want to make him.
Another thing is that I asked him how people were treating him. He then told me that no one in his ward knows. None of his roomates know. His family is being suppportive (when he talks to them, which is once a week, maybe). This just broke my heart. I'm stuck with EVERY single person I know knowing and he can just brush it off. I'm tryng to be the bigger person and say that its good so he can just move on with his life. But I also want to be the smaller person and say WHAT THE HECK!!!!! This is SO NOT FAIR! Why?! why can't I not "show" and just hide it so no one will see?! WHY ME!??!?!?! It is SOOO not fair! Thinking about it... even if people did know he would probably use a cop out "oh it might not even be mine" like he did with his family. AHHH!
An old friend of that family called my mom today and said how she just cried when then found out. It breaks my heart that all these people who have loved me for so long and cared for me are crying because of my mistake. I want to take it back. I never knew how many people I would effect when this happened. And if I could turn back time I would totally change what happened!

Princess

So last night as I lay in bed to fall asleep I kept felling my baby kick me so I put my hand where she was kicking and I felt her foot. It was so weird she pushed so hard I could feel the outline of it. It was so precious it made me cry. Then she kept kneeing me and so I felt like I could almost just grab her led. It was so cute and weird. She's so precious. I miss her so much :(